Mrs Crabbypants

That's me. Turns out that when I am anxious and can't exercise and jamming progesterone up into my nether regions 3x daily I get a wee bit cranky.

What else has been making me cranky?
My dog has been sick, so that's freaked me out a bit. On transfer day (Tuesday) while I was parked on the sofa I noticed that he was straining to stand up, and had some weird facial twitching. He'd been pretty lethargic for a day or so, but we figured it was the heat. And so when I saw his hind legs were weak, I freaked out into a huge, sobbing, hysterical mess. Because if anything were to happen to the dog I'm pretty sure that right now I would die. Because my dog is the object of all of the love and affection that I would focus on a child (although I do NOT dress him in silly outfits), and he is also the best. dog. ever. and makes me incredibly happy.

So dog illness caused a bit of a wrinkle in my "relax at home transfer day," but the Boy took him into the vet the next day and as it turns out he caught Lyme disease when we were up the country roaming through the woods. I learned an important lesson: apply the tick medication every 2-3 weeks if you will be in high tick areas. So note to you dog owners -- the ticks in Connecticut are not messing around.

The peanut (our dog) was better after only a few doses of his antibiotics, and all symptoms have now totally disappeared and he's back to himself, but it was really really scary for us to think about something happening to him, especially at a time when we rely on him so much.

Other reasons for cranky? The Boy has been on my very last nerve. There is no good reason for it, and I suspect that I am just being sensitive and difficult (that's his position, at least), and he has been really quite great about being supportive during this infertility thing, but jeeesus has he been bugging the living daylights out of me. I know he's just being himself, but sometimes "himself" is a pain in the ass.

Since he reads this I'll leave it at that (Note: if you are reading this, if you haven't acquired and taken your vitamins I am going to lose my shit and start forcefeeding you the ones we have like a goose being fattened up for fois gras). So I let the bad mood spread and that was pretty much no fun at all. We've recovered mostly, but I did create a bit of a scene Saturday and yesterday, which leached some of the fun from our weekend.

Otherwise? Otherwise I am just not exercising, not drinking booze, and not feeling anything that could even potentially be a side effect. Not even the progesterone is having a physical effect on me. Emotionally, it's made me a basket case (see above) but physically I feel fine.

We will see how things shake out on Friday. Until then, I'm just pretending that nothing is going on at all. Check back with me Wednesday to see if I've gone crazy yet.

Quiet

As previously mentioned, I live in NYC.  Smack in the middle, actually, and so it's usually pretty noisy and hectic.  But today was one of those days where I found real quiet and peace even in the middle of all the craziness.

This evening when I took the baby out (and by "the baby" I mean my golden retriever) to the park, I went to sit by the small pond not far from where we enter the park.  There, I saw several types of migrating ducks feeding, and also a great blue heron fishing.  We sat and watched for a while.  It always surprises me to see things like this in the city -- it's a 3 foot tall bird about 5 blocks from my apartment!  But there it was, and so we watched it.

On our way home, we passed a man staring at the top of a tree.  So of course, we also stared at the tree.  In the tree was a hawk.  A big one.  This is actually one of the pair of hawks that lives near the park. You could see it preening and stretching its wings -- it was lovely to see something so majestic and so wild.

On our walk tonight, the moon was out and beginning to wane.  We passed a man with this enormous telescope set up looking at the night sky.  It's pretty hard to see a lot of stars in the city, and that's something I always love about getting out of the urban environment, but tonight I got to look through his telescope and see a close up view of Jupiter and several of its moons.  I don't know why, but it made me foolishly happy.  I'm going to go to bed and dream of stars.

All or nothing

Have you ever noticed how one lousy thing in the morning can throw off your entire world view?

Yesterday, I woke up tired and a little achy, and then took my dog out. By the end of his walk, I was convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all of my "dog park friends" (a species that is unique to big cities where you see a lot of the same dogs in the parks) really didn't like me after all and thought I was one of the crazy annoying people that we all collectively make fun of, and that they just waited for me to leave to make fun of me as well. I'm pretty sure I haven't been in junior high for a really long long time, but it felt just that lousy anyway.

Turns out I was wrong, and it's just my insecurities about everything rearing their ugly heads and making me all neurotic and anxious. Turns out that one of them broke through the "we are only friends here in the park and know each others' dogs' name, but not their human owners' name" and asked me to grab lunch later this week. Yeah!

Seriously, it felt like some sort of breakthrough. Because, yeah, I know I am kind of an anxiety-ridden nut right now, but it feels pretty good to be able to hide that and make new, non-pregnant, non-mom friends, because those are in pretty short supply right now.

So I am boxing up all of my fears that the cool kids don't like me, and putting them back on the shelf with my 8th grade yearbook, and looking forward to lunch later this week.