I am having a hysteroscopy today. Sitting in pre op with this annoying and kinda painful IV waiting for my surgery at 730. And I'm terrified.
This is irrational. I have been under anesthesia before. I am being seen by my Very experienced Dr. But I am afraid I am going to die. I have no idea why. And now I am starting to get all teary.
DH is home with B, and they were both asleep when I left. I am just scared I won't see them again.
I think it's because this is a new procedure for me and because I am in main hospital with all sorts of other people having ambulatory surgery. So I am with sick people. And that makes me feel sick. And like something is going to go wrong. Which I know is irrational as noted above. But there you are.
So the hysteroscopy is to make sure that all looks ok after the miscarriage and d&c. You know, since the last cycle failed and if we are going too succeed we want to check out everything that is check out-able
And maybe I am scared because I know that we are kind of pulling out all the stops for this next cycle and I am afraid it is going to fail.
I want another child. I miss the baby-mess of B and would like him to have a sibling. And I know that B has filled my heart with such joy and I feel that I have the capacity for more.
But first I must focus on today and not panicking. Or dying. Man I am a mess today. And my IV hurts. I just want this to be done and to be 25 weeks pregnant. Like I would be if that miscarriage had not happened.
I need to calm down. Wish me luck.
Update
I clearly am still among the living.
I clearly am also somewhat embarrassed about being sort of hysterical this morning. Something about this really got me worked up - couldn't fall asleep last night, was fearful and teary today -- the whole thing was very unusual for me. Usually I head off to retrievals, transfers, etc by myself with no worries. So something else is going on, beside the scary hospital context.
I sort of remember speaking to the dr after I woke. Apparently there was some scar tissue at the top of my uterus that they removed. And we will get all the path results next week. Hopefully those will be clear. In the meantime, i am monitoring ovulation in advance of a co-culture procedure on/ about the 6th, after which point my period should come and we should be cleared for another round.
But I think I hit it on the head this morning: I'm worried that the stakes are very high and that I am quickly running out of runway on child number #2.
More on that later, as child #1 has just discovered I am home and I think we both need a hug.
This is irrational. I have been under anesthesia before. I am being seen by my Very experienced Dr. But I am afraid I am going to die. I have no idea why. And now I am starting to get all teary.
DH is home with B, and they were both asleep when I left. I am just scared I won't see them again.
I think it's because this is a new procedure for me and because I am in main hospital with all sorts of other people having ambulatory surgery. So I am with sick people. And that makes me feel sick. And like something is going to go wrong. Which I know is irrational as noted above. But there you are.
So the hysteroscopy is to make sure that all looks ok after the miscarriage and d&c. You know, since the last cycle failed and if we are going too succeed we want to check out everything that is check out-able
And maybe I am scared because I know that we are kind of pulling out all the stops for this next cycle and I am afraid it is going to fail.
I want another child. I miss the baby-mess of B and would like him to have a sibling. And I know that B has filled my heart with such joy and I feel that I have the capacity for more.
But first I must focus on today and not panicking. Or dying. Man I am a mess today. And my IV hurts. I just want this to be done and to be 25 weeks pregnant. Like I would be if that miscarriage had not happened.
I need to calm down. Wish me luck.
Update
I clearly am still among the living.
I clearly am also somewhat embarrassed about being sort of hysterical this morning. Something about this really got me worked up - couldn't fall asleep last night, was fearful and teary today -- the whole thing was very unusual for me. Usually I head off to retrievals, transfers, etc by myself with no worries. So something else is going on, beside the scary hospital context.
I sort of remember speaking to the dr after I woke. Apparently there was some scar tissue at the top of my uterus that they removed. And we will get all the path results next week. Hopefully those will be clear. In the meantime, i am monitoring ovulation in advance of a co-culture procedure on/ about the 6th, after which point my period should come and we should be cleared for another round.
But I think I hit it on the head this morning: I'm worried that the stakes are very high and that I am quickly running out of runway on child number #2.
More on that later, as child #1 has just discovered I am home and I think we both need a hug.
