So much for simple and easy

Starfish

2012-01-30T09:59:00.004-05:00

That's the group that B is in at his swimming class, which started yesterday. It turns out that starfish are better swimmers than most of the babies, and have more effective means of moving themselves through the water, but it still was unbelievably fun and very cute.

I have been ridiculously excited about these swim classes, and, because I live in NYC, I've had to spend a whole lot of my time getting him signed up for the classes near where we live because the weekend classes sell out. (And I can't even talk about how much it costs for the privilege of swimming at 8.30am on a Sunday.)

But mostly I have been just super excited about B learning to be comfortable in the water. Perhaps because I spent so much of my childhood in pools and lakes or perhaps because this is the first physical activity I can actually teach him, I just have been besides myself with anticipation.

Turns out B loves LOVES the water. I kind of knew that already, since he loves bathtime and we went in the pool in California over the Christmas break. But he did great -- went under with no problem, was able to kick and lie on his back with his ears in the water and basically just had a fabulous time. As did his mommy.

One huge takeaway -- I should have brought my husband along. The logistics of getting a wet, tired baby and his wet, tired mom rinsed and dried and dressed really requires an extra set of hands. By the time we got home we were both completely exhausted. Next week, daddy comes too.

Sshezzsh

2012-01-24T13:51:00.003-05:00

On Sunday evening, while Ben was eating some macaroni and making a unbelievable mess of his high chair tray, his face and his hair, he looked at the table, saw half a cheese stick and said "Shezzsh" which, as anyone can tell you, means cheese.

Holy shit.

Apparently, the kid not only repeats sounds, but appears to be able to match words with objects. Crazy.

And since then, he has correctly identified a car, a duck, a ball and his bottle. Without prompting.

I know that all babies do this, and I know that it is totally ridiculous to think that "ca" is actually car, but it is all amazing to me. That blob of cells that we almost left in the freezer can say "cheese." Un-freaking-believable.

So much to say, so little time to say it

2012-01-20T12:10:00.005-05:00

I have about 6 different blog posts bouncing about in my head, and yet for some reason I never find the time to sit down and write. Maybe its the full-time work, desire to actually eat food that I cook in the evenings, or constant cold that has been bouncing around our household for the last 5 weeks, but I have been just super tired, and when I read posts at night on the ipad or bberry, i just can't muster the energy to type a post.

I'm going to take some advice from another blogger and try to make posts shorter and more frequent, for fear that I will never really find the time if I want to do a "real" post.

Big thing coming? B is turning 1. It's amazing and crazy and I am so happy that he is in my life -- that he IS my life -- that I weep just thinking about it (yep, all teary, here in my glass walled office. Nice.) My tiny little baby is not only not so tiny (he's enormous -- over 31 inches at last check and over 27 lbs), but he eats food with his hands that requires chewing and can go fetch a book off the shelf and open it to the picture of the duck and say "Duh" and can take the stick from the bottom of his xylophone and actually hit the part that makes music. When I come home he smiles so wide and crawls to me so fast that my heart could just split wide open with happiness.

Yet I miss the tiny little baby that would sleep on my shoulder; nowadays B either wants to be down on the floor doing his own thing or is standing on my lap yanking off my glasses or trying to remove the parts of my face that he thinks should be his to play with. Only because B has had a cold off and on since, oh, forever has he been a bit more snuggly -- when he had a fever he just wanted to be held and rocked, and even though I knew he was feeling bad I loved the cuddling.

DH and I were looking at newborn pictures of B the other day, and his smallness was just remarkable -- and I realize that I have forgotten some things. Like what he wore; someone who is pregnant asked me what she needed to buy and I didn't really remember. All of his newborn clothes are packed away, and there are pictures, but I know that there were onesies and gowns, and a footie with icecream cones and pink bows, but that I can't recall him actually in the clothes makes me sad, because that means I am losing details of the most transformative experience of my entire life.

But my baby is almost 1 and can climb onto things to reach other things that he MUST have, and stands on his tip toes to reach up to pretty much anything. And he can tell me when he is hungry by saying "puff" (I give him a few puffs to occupy him in the highchair while I get his food ready). All of which is completely amazing to me. So maybe the details of 11 months ago are fading, but every day there are new things that make my eyes tear up and my heart grow bigger with joy.

Ben in the hotel restaurant on Christmas Day. Good thing this picture doesn't include the floor under his high chair!

I have emerged victorious

2011-12-10T16:25:00.003-05:00

About a month ago our HR department held its benefits open season presentation and informed us that we were switching health insurance carriers from Oxford to Cigna. Aside from the tremendous pain in the ass of switching doctors, learning a new computer system, etc., we were told that our coverage was essentially the same so there was nothing much to worry about.

But since this isn't my first rodeo, I figured I would call up our "benefits services" company and ask about our infertility coverage. Turns out that our benefits services people didn't even understand that we currently had $10K of advanced infertility coverage (IVF and IUI) in addition to full coverage for all ultrasounds, drugs, etc. And what they told me about our new coverage? That we had none. Well, that's not entirely true. They told me that our new coverage "met the state mandate" in NY (coverage of testing and treatment of medical causes of infertility. So if I had a blocked tube, and needed that sorted out, all covered. If I had crappy eggs and wanted to do IUI with injectables, no dice.

Clearly, that was not "equivalent coverage" so I marched myself into our Chief Admin Officer's office and began the first of a series of very awkward conversations about infertility benefits and coverage levels. Now, let's put aside for a second how imprudent it is to discuss one's potential future desires to be pregnant and out on maternity leave. The uncomfortable conversations where I had to explain to him that artificial insemination and ivf were different things (and what each were) were just really so awkward as to be comical.

Long story short, after 3 weeks of working directly with our new insurance company (because despite my infertility treatment tutorial, the CAO deferred sorting this out to me, leading me to wonder whether I could get part of his large salary), we now have even better benefits.

Our new coverage covers everything. The only limits are:

- if you (female) are over 45, you don't qualify for ivf

- you have to be able to document that you have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years (under 35) and 1 year (over 35)

- 4 complete lifetime retrievals are covered. No limit on the transfers.

- All drugs are covered

So we are good to go. As are all of the other people in my office. No one else knows that I did this, and there is no one that I really think needs telling, but I am happy I could ensure that others have this same coverage.

Pat Pat (that's me, patting myself on the back).

How soon we forget.

2011-12-02T16:27:00.005-05:00

I recently had an HSG (that's hysterosalpingogram for the uninitiated). Why didn't I remember how much that sucked? Was I more willing to deal with the pain and the anxiety and the hassle last time before there was B? Or am I just older (2+ years) and wimpier now? Either way, having glowing dye shot up into one's uterus is really f*ing uncomfortable. But, no scarring from the c-section, so we are all good.

Going in next week for annual OBGYN exam and to get all my tests updated. Looks like we are moving forward.

Meanwhile, I leave you with this. Yeah, he's a bit big for the tub and he's lapping bathwater out of the soapdish, but as long as he's having fun....

And now we are 9 (months)

2011-11-15T14:44:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe nine months has gone by since B has been out in the world and in our lives. His arrival was eagerly anticipated, but in no way could I have imagined how wonderful it would be to be his mother, and how he would bring joy and love (and a little bit of much-needed perspective about what's important) to our lives.

What I also could not have anticipated is how enormous he would be -- considering we brought him home at 5.5 lbs and 19.5 inches, that he is now 31 inches and a whopping 25.2 lbs is simply shocking. He's enormous. And funny and very mobile, although he still prefers the army crawl to the standard hands-and-knees version. And he can stand up all by himself, which is pretty terrifying.

Every day he seems to learn something new -- he claps, gives high fives, feeds himself, drinks from a sippy cup -- and he knows songs. I can sing one song and he will be sort of disinterested, but if I sing another (She'll be coming 'round the mountain, in particular) his face lights up and he bounces up and down. His brain is evolving daily, and I can practically see it happening.

We are so so lucky.

In which my husband purchases a pregnancy test

2011-11-09T15:49:00.002-05:00

More fun and games with (in)fertility over here at Casa Irrational.

I got my period the day B turned 7 months. Then, about 29 days later, I got it again. B is 9 months and a week old, and I'm still waiting. That's a cycle of 40 days, and that's waay longer than normal for me.

I know that it takes a while for cycles to even out post pregnancy (and I called my OB and she reminded me of this fact), but it would be SO nice just to miraculously be pregnant. I know it is not the case and I know it is not even remotely likely, but magical thinking is sometimes very therapeutic, you know?

I told DH over the weekend that my period was late. He sort of panicked. And then proceeded to ask me "is it here yet" every 8 minutes. Or so it seemed. And on Monday he was at the store and picked up some fancy HPTs. Two to a box.

That night, I used one. I know you are supposed to test in the morning, but you couldn't just put the sticks in front of me and expect me not to use them for 12 hours, right? So I did, and it was negative. And I was surprisingly disappointed, because I thought that this would have really very nicely resolved the disagreement over how (if) to go about having a second child that we are having. And everyone would have won.

And then some spotting started last night (just a wee bit), and today there is just a wee bit more. But that isn't usually how I roll on a monthly basis. Once the spotting starts, the full on flow is usually only a few hours behind. So now I am perplexed. And weirdly, foolishly hopeful again. Which seems more cruel than fair, since I've taken the first HPT but I still have neither my period nor a positive result.

I know that if I use the second of the fancy-dancy HPTs tomorrow morning, my period will come on strong by 10-11am or so. Either way, I'd like to just get on with it and move forward.

What does it mean to want?

2011-11-07T10:31:00.002-05:00

I'm dipping my toe very gingerly back into the "let's try to get pregnant and have a baby" waters. But I'm taking it slow because, well, I lucked out and I have a baby. And that baby is awesome, and the last thing I want is to be distracted or rotten-with-desire (InBetween came up with that term and I think it's exactly right) instead of paying attention to him.

For those of you long time readers, you might recall that I was going to switch REs after our last FET, seeing that my first 2 cycles didn't work. So I spoke to New RE last month and he suggested that, before we make any plans, I get AMH levels tested to see if I am even still in the game.

So last week I went in to New REs office to get bloodwork done.

It was weird.

It was weird because I kept looking at my watch knowing that I couldn't be late to get home to B since our nanny had to leave at a time certain. It was weird because I could look people in the eye and smile. It was weird because I didn't have that sense of panic and dread weighing heavily in my gut.

Turns out my AMH is fine. It's 1.1. I can't seem to dig out the info about what it was last time it was taken back in 2009, but my lack of comparative data isn't freaking me out. I'm curious, but not obsessed. And mostly, I can't seem to dig it out b/c the file is in B's closet and I forget to look when I get home. Because when I get home I need to hear how his day was, what he did, and see all of his new tricks. (Clapping was the most recent, and it makes both B and I laugh and laugh.) And the clapping and laughing are way more important than my hormone levels from 2009. (OK 4 days later, I did look it up and it was 1.28 in May, 2009. The rate of decline so far is not bad.)

So now I am wondering -- if I don't feel that burning desire, is that trying to tell me something? Or is wanting another child in a less intense way actually normal and natural, and the intense longing only caused by the pain of infertility? Partially I think that I am trying to convince myself that maybe I don't want this because of the disagreement with DH about approach (he is in the "no more IVF" camp, I am not). But the thing is, I think it is ok to want something but not be consumed by desire for it. And even without that crazy all-consuming want, I'm ok with the IVF, because, well, that's kind of what we need to do to have a child. Maybe I've blocked out how horrid it was, and maybe I believe that this time couldn't possibly be as bad because of B.

I feel like, because I don't know how to change my husband's position, that I am trying to convince myself that I don't want something that I do, and I am using as an excuse how I was feeling 24 months ago. But actually, if I am honest, I know that it's a good thing that the wanting isn't as painful and terrifying. And it's a good thing that I can walk into a physicians office and not feel gut-wrenching panic. And that it is ok to want something that might be hard even though you may be alone in the wanting. And once again, I know that not being able to get pregnant without intervention makes everything so. much. harder.

Ouch! That still stings!

2011-10-13T12:39:00.005-04:00

Turns out that the emotional wounds from being infertile don't just disappear after you have a child. Having B has insulated me from some of the pain for the last many months, and so I almost forgot it was there. Until Friday.

Friday I ended up at the drugstore near my office with a friend of mine from work. She is just married, 31 years old. Husband is 37. So in my world, they are very young (we are 41 and 46). I was buying tampons because on B's 7-month birthday my period came back. And it appears to be back for keeps, since 31 days later it came back again. Coworker was buying ovulation predictor kits. Because they have been trying for 2 months and, according to her, her husband was starting to freak out that she wasn't pregnant yet and was thinking they needed to go see a doctor.

And while I would wish the pain of month after month of failure on no one, and certainly not on her because she is lovely, I was surprised at how much it bothered me that there are people who think that 1-2 months of trying is a lot. And who take it for granted that it will work. And for whom a couple of months of timed sex actually does work. Because it bothered me so much that I still can't stop stewing about it. I kind of wanted to shout "are you f*ing kidding? 2 months at your age? you have no idea what you are talking about! do you think that this is magic and just happens with a snap of your fingers? it is NOT easy."

But, as it turns out, for some people it is easy. And I just happen to resent the hell out of them. Yeah, it's not mature or kind, but I still struggle with the unfairness of it all.

I think this was harder than usual because at casa Irrational we have been discussing whether we should try for a second child. I'm all in and ready to go (we have been lulled into thinking it's a good idea by B being a very easy baby), and would do another ivf cycle next month, but DH doesn't want to do any more intervention. His view is that if it happens it happens, and if not, he is ok with that too. What that means to me is that it most certainly is NOT going to happen, and then my window of opportunity will definitely be closed.* There is more to discuss with us, for sure, but that is where we are now.

So I resent the people who can just be more casual about having kids and actually have the option of no assistance. Being infertile just makes so many things so hard.

*Note: there is much more to say on this, and I know that, for those struggling to have their first child this seems crazy at best and greedy and ungrateful at worst. I love without measure my little boy, and if I never had another child that would be OK. But a second child is still something I'd like and it still stinks to have to work so hard and negotiate so many obstacles to have the option.

Holy moley how have 6 months gone by?

2011-08-02T11:35:00.005-04:00

Sorry for the vast, unending silence from my end (is anyone still even reading this or waiting for updates?) I've been following along and commenting when I can, but I have found that time to sit and compose a real post is in short supply. Time, in general, seems to be in short supply, but more on that later.

So things are good. Really good.

My baby is 6 months old today and, well, unbelievably awesome.

A few items on what's going on with Mr. B:

- He eats. Man oh man does he eat. He is in love with bananas, and a pretty big fan of sweet potato, zucchini, peach and apple. Broccoli was not a winner, but he ate it when mixed into the all purpose yumminess of sweet potato. At this point he's eating about 4-5 oz a day in 2 meals. That doesn't keep him from downing about 32 oz of milk as well. He has decided that he wants to feed himself so he grabs the spoon and shoves it into his mouth. Super cute. Super messy, as he also shoves his hand in his mouth. Yum!

- He rolls. He pretty much decided that his tummy is where he wants to be, and he can get there very easily. It freaked me out in the beginning (my baby is going to DIE if he sleeps on his stomach! I need to flip him back over! He MUST be on his BACK!) but now, well, there is really nothing I can do. And he is fine. And it appears that he can roll the other way as well, as I have found him on his back the last two mornings. He hasn't yet figured out that rolling can get him places, but that will be soon, I'm sure.

- He (kind of) sits. He still has his hands on the floor or his lap, but he's getting the hang of it. Although he often decides his feet are more interesting and just folds right over so he can nom on his toes.

- He grabs. Everything. My glasses and hair are favorites, and are usually in his mouth in about 2 seconds. And he loves putting his hands in my mouth, and holding my face. And despite the fact that sometimes it hurts when he chooses to grab, I love it. I seriously cannot get enough of staring at each other with his hands on my face.

- He laughs. All the time. He laughs at toys, at his books, and funny sounds we make. He is a super happy kid, and I am so grateful.

- He sleeps. Here, I seem to have lucked out. He is in bed by 8pm every night, goes down without a fuss, and sleeps until about 6am. I'd love it if he slept until 7am, and I strongly discourage 5am (Yeah, that sucked.), but he sleeps at least 10 hours a night with no interruption, and that is f-ing awesome. Daytime sleep is less fabulous -- usually one good 1.5-2.5 hour nap and then several smaller 45 minute naps, but I'm not complaining.

He is, truly, the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me -- I cannot believe how much I love this baby. I didn't even know that I could love this much. There are times, and they are frequent, that I look at him and just tear up because I am so grateful that I have a child, that I have this child.

I was playing peekaboo the other day with him and was hiding and said "Where's mommy? Here's mommy" and it hit me. "Mommy" isn't *my* mom hiding behind the burpcloth, it's actually me. He is my son and I am his mommy. And I will be always. And that is so wonderful and beautiful and perfect.

This is it

2011-07-05T13:43:00.004-04:00

Today is my last day of maternity leave and I am losing it. I keep telling b that I love him and am not abandoning him, but I really just want to hold him tight and not ever leave him. I am pretty sure that this whole working thing is going to be better than I envision it right now, but the anticipation of starting back, and the worry that I will miss something important is driving me to distraction -- it's literally all I can think about and it's making me weepy and pretty agitated.

Luckily, we've been on vacation (you know, from my stressful maternity leave) for the last week, and it was great and a good distraction for me. Benjamin was a champ on both flights, which were long (NYC to CA) and adjusted well to new surroundings. He is now on west coast time, so we need to bring his bedtime back to 730 from where it is now at 11. Of course I'd prefer to keep him a late night baby if I'm going to be working all day, but I know that is a bad idea, and not good for him, and all of those things. But still... The thought has crossed my mind more than once.

While on vacation, the wee one managed to go swimming for the first time, go into the ocean, roll over from front to back twice in one day (so we know it's not a fluke) and find his feet and get them into his mouth... And since we were with grandparents the entire time, others got to share these moments as well.

And I'm sure there will be more moments, but I'm going to miss them all because I will be working.

I'm very lucky to have a great job that I really like with a really flexible workplace and a very generous salary. And the work is stimulating and I have great colleagues and I feel good about the positive things we do (i work for a foundation that gives money to poverty-fighting causes like food pantries and homeless shelters). And we also could really use the income and the benefits, since my DH works for himself presently. But despite all of these positives, right now my job might as well be in the salt mines.

Shit. I'm starting to cry again. I already miss my little boy.

Reprise

2011-06-25T07:19:00.004-04:00

I wrote this post Thursday, but I think it got buried in the readers because it posted with the day I started writing. It kind of breaks my heart to have no comments, so I'm shamelessly drawing your attention to it. Because, well, I could use the virtual hug.

Belated father's day post

2011-06-21T12:35:00.006-04:00

I know that fathers day is now receding into the past, but I've been noodling on this post for some time and trying to figure out what I mean to say. Still not quite sure.

Fathers day is hard for me. Always is. My dad died suddenly when I was a kid -- 14 years old. And while I have healed and am a generally functioning adult, his death left his mark. I find that, now that I have a child, I miss my dad more than I have in a long, long time. Maybe it because I sing songs to my son that my father used to sing to me, or maybe it's because I am just sad that he doesn't get to know his grandson (or adult daughter, or son-in-law, for that matter), but I find myself crying more often than usual, and it's hard to blame the hormones when my baby is 5 months old.

After my dad died, my maternal grandparents, who lived nearby, stepped in and became very very active parts of our lives-- we saw them at least every week and they were at every school concert, play, and graduation until I finished grad school. My grandmother died 3 years ago after several years with Alzheimer's, and my grandfather, who was possibly the warmest, most generous man ever, died in March. He died peacefully and quickly, at 95 years old, in his home where he still lived independently.

He died 31 days after my baby was born, and 3 days after B's expected due date. So my grandfather knew he was a boy, knew his name, and knew he was healthy and that i was doing well. He got to see the baby over the magic of video chat, but I had not flown home for our first visit since we were instructed to wait until B had his 2month shots. But my great regret is that I did not make it home with the baby before he died. My grandfather was in great shape, and aside from being old, we had no reason to believe he would not live longer.

So while I had hoped that this year father's day would be a happier time-- after struggling to have a baby for so long, my husband was finally a father, it was hard and I'm still reeling a bit.

Making the day both better and perversely worse was that we had a lovely day visiting my in-laws. My FIL, who isn't the most laid back of guys, spent a ton of time on the floor with the wee one, and it was really wonderful to see him so happy. He has cancer, which is in remission, but still hangs over his head like a sword, and so this baby has really been a fabulous boost to his spirits. I love that this little boy can, just by being there and wiggling and smiling, bring so much joy.

So it was a really nice day for my MIL and FIL and DH, and for me too. But not too far beneath the surface was sadness that my dad doesn't get days like that with his grandson. That i don't get days with my child and my father. And that my grandfather, who gave me so much, never got to hold his only great-grandchild. He would have loved this boy more than the world-- I know this because that's how he loved me, his eldest grandchild.

I'm sad. I miss my dad and I miss my grandfather.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

2011-06-16T13:58:00.004-04:00

Yep, it's been a year. (For the record, re: this blog post title, I hate show tunes, and thought Rent was stupid, but I do think that it gives a good sense of the passage of time. So I used it.)

A year ago we put the last of our icicles back in for what we really thought was a total waste of time cycle. I had already done orientation at clinic number two where I was hoping to have more success since I had not managed to get a beta greater than 5 during 2 ivf and an fet. I admit that ivf 1 and fet 1 were both single embryo transfers, but after 4 back in and no pregnancy I was losing hope.

Fast forward to today -- I have a wonderful, happy, cuddly baby boy asleep in his room. I could not possibly feel more luck or grateful, and still surprised. That little ball of cells in the photo tht we gripped super tightly after we went home is a really human being now. The source of the kicks and the pokes and the endless heartburn can smile and laugh and shake his rattle. Despite the fact that I know where babies come from, I still have the hardest time putting it all together in my head. But even if it still seems amazing (and honestly, I hope this sense of gratitude and wonder never fades), I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I've had a lot of experiences and done a lot of stuff in my 41 years -- professionally and personally -- and this is by far the best and most important thing I have ever done.

We're still here!

2011-06-13T21:28:00.005-04:00

Wow.
I had no intention of waiting a month between posts, and I have composed many in my head during this time, but somehow I never seem to find the time or the mental space to make it happen (and I haven't been able to pull it off while hooked up to the milking machine, fancy portable iPad notwithstanding). I don't want this to be a summary post, as that doesn't really interest me, so I will hopefully this will be the first in a series of posts that have been in a holding pattern. But seriously, with my recent track record? Who knows.

So what has been going on? I love my little boy more than I ever thought possible. I love the way he smells, the way he holds my little finger when I am feeding him, how he smiles at me when he sees me, and turns his head when he hears my voice. I love his laugh, and most of all I love love love his little voice, since he has been cooing like crazy these last few days. He is so sweet and so earnest and is trying to desperately to communicate. My eyes well up with tears pretty much every time it happens, but I don't want him to think that talking makes me cry (but it does!). I can't really figure out why the cooing just melts my heart, but I think its because it is his individuality coming through for the first time, and I can see how he will one day use that same voice to make words.

Here's a recent photo -- he looks like such a little boy in this picture and he's a bit confused because he just rolled over and is not quite sure what happened....

3 months!

2011-05-07T18:21:00.006-04:00

My little one turned 3 months old on Tuesday! It's a testament to how crazy busy I am (or feel) that I've been wanting to post since then but have not yet found the time. But it's Saturday night and our social calendar is pretty wide open, so we are home and hopefully by the end of the evening this post will be finished. I hope. But it's looking like a long one, so buckle your seatbelts.

Basics on his growth -- Mr. B is now 13 lbs 3 oz and 24 inches long. For those of you keeping track of these sorts of things, he is smack on the mean for his age now in both height and weight, which is pretty awesome considering he was in the 5th % for both when he was born because he was early. He's still lagging on head size, but since my head is small too, and I seem to be just fine, we are not worried. He's super healthy and we appear to have his reflux under control, but he's still sleeping in his carseat (it sits in his crib) for a while longer until we are sure its under control. And once again, he was smiley and adorable for the appointment, and didn't cry at all. Yay B!

Key learnings of the past few weeks -- A couple of things really surprised me, and they are all pretty yucky:

- Babies make ear wax. Or at least my baby does.

- When your baby's hands are clenched into little fists a lot of the time, icky stuff gets between his fingers and needs to be washed a couple of times a day.

- When your baby only poops every 3 days, it's pretty dramatic when it happens. And it will happen when he is dressed and ready to go out and you have somewhere to be. Another bath will usually be required.

- It's amazing how much goo can get in the folds of the neck every day, despite a good scrubbing during bath time.

Our challenges -- B is not a super consistent napper. That means that some days I get only a couple of 20 minute naps between 6am and 7pm. This not only makes me worried for his health and happiness, but it makes me kind of insane, since I can't really do ANYTHING during the day without figuring out where to park the baby. I'm pretty much in love with the swing and bouncy seat on those days, as it makes it possible for me to pump, eat, wash bottles, shower -- you know, just do stuff. But sometimes we get a good 2+ hour nap a day, and that is awesome. I love my baby, but I also love when he sleeps.

- We need to break up with our swaddle, but it's going to be tough. If B isn't swaddled, he shocks himself awake with his moro reflex, and so will only sleep about 30-40 minutes at most. However, he loves having his hands in his mouth now, and is super kicky, so being swaddled when he is wide awake just pisses him off and he will struggle against it. What that means is that I have to rock him to extreme drowsiness, then swaddle, then rock some more to get him mostly asleep before I can put him down. This takes a fair amount of time, and it's also training B that he will be rocked to sleep every time, which is likely to be problematic in the future. So we are trying to break up with the swaddle by leaving one arm out during naps, and then will move to both arms and just hope it coincides with the diminishing moro reflex. I spend a lot of time strategizing about this. Too much time, probably, but I don't want it to start messing with his sleeping.

- I wish the reflux would go away. It makes him so unhappy and I hate putting him to sleep in his carseat. Our ped assured me that it's fine, but I just would prefer to have him in his crib on his back, and we will need to once he starts moving more.

What I am loving right now -- B is super smiley now -- he started slow, but now he smiles all the time, and I can make him laugh pretty easily. It's not a real laugh yet, but just the most adorable squeal. I cannot get enough of the smiling.

- He is in love with the little monkey on his bouncy seat. He looks at it and smiles and laughs. It's such a huge change from him not even noticing the lights and movement a few weeks ago -- I'm amazed at how fast he has changed.

- He has started to grab at things. He's not super coordinated yet, but he's pretty happy once he gets his hands on his toys.

- He smells so good. I cannot get enough of how he smells. My DH goes in every night to smell the baby, and I totally get that.

- B loves his bath -- he is smiley and happy the entire time if the water is warm enough. The drying off and dressing time usually elicits some crying, but it's mercifully brief.

- I love when he falls asleep on my chest. He's been napping on me a couple of times a week, and I love it. If that could go on forever, I would sign up for it right now. It just makes me feel so lucky; I'm just so grateful that I get to experience that.

- On a more prosaic note, he is a good night sleeper -- we get a 7-8 hour stretch from his bedtime (about 7.30pm) and then are back to every 3 hours. We had one 9 hour night, but that appears to be a fluke, which makes my DH very sad.

What scares me -- we started interviewing for nannies when I go back to work in July. I actually think we found one who we really like,, but I am terrified of how I will feel when I have to leave B at home and go back to work. I'm already sad about it, honestly. But I know I will be a happier person working, so that's the plan right now. But it doesn't lessen my sadness about missing any of the moments of his childhood -- it goes so quickly, I can't imagine not being present for every moment. Sigh.

This was kind of all over the place, but that's what happens when 3 or 4 posts get jammed together, I guess. Maybe once he starts napping, I'll be able to post more!

yeah, but I think it's funny

2011-04-19T15:50:00.005-04:00

So as it turns out, when you are an infant, people (like your mom) can dress you up in funny outfits and you cannot do a damned thing about it. Except make funny faces and look sort of put out, which is what Mr B resorted to when I put his sunglasses on.

It was bad enough that I insisted on the concert t-shirt that his daddy bought, the one that doesn't have snaps or anything at the neckline. But the glasses? The indignities never end. In fact, I suspect that they are only beginning.

Everything else is going really well. There have been a couple of days where Mr B would not, could not sleep for more than 20 minutes at time between 6am and 8pm, but other than that? It's been really awesome. (But let me not minimize that -- 3 days in a row of no real napping is very stressful -- it means that there is no time to do ANYTHING at all for the entire day. Like eat, or shower, or rest. But we are back in nap land, at least for today, and I am grateful for it.)

And feeding him has reached a decent equilibrium -- I pump and feed him from a bottle and supplement with the anti-reflux formula to help him feel better -- otherwise he has bad reflux 30-60 minues after he eats. It breaks my heart -- he has these little wet hiccups and each one makes him cry this sad, pathetic little cry that says "that hurts, mommy. Please make it stop." And there is nothing to be done except hold him. So preventing it is the key to happiness for both of us.

Do I like pumping? Nope. Do my boobs hurt? Yep. And I get clogged ducts and had a blister thing that I had to tend to with a sterilized needle, but it is OK. Although the needle surgery was really really not fun. Seriously -- needle + nipple? Not awesome. More like something from a bad horror movie. And while I would like to say "never again" I'll do it if necessary, as it did the trick.

But otherwise all is good -- we went on a couple of car rides (which are a big deal, since we don't have a car) and he did great, and he is on a pretty decent night time sleep schedule -- he goes to sleep around 8pm then wakes at 2 and again at 5 and at 8. And the 2pm wakeup is usually only for about 20 minutes or as long as it takes him to eat 3-4 oz and then he falls right back to sleep. It's really not so bad, and since he is bottle fed, my husband usually takes one of the feeds so I can sleep a bit more. Although I still find that I rock myself to sleep more quickly than I rock B into slumber. Probably not exactly the best plan, but the motion is so relaxing!

I ended up sleeping in B's room last night so that my husband could get some sleep before a big meeting, and was lying there listening to him breathe. And all I could think was that I am so grateful and so lucky and so in love. It is wonderful. And amazing and I am happy.

Mr B is 2 months old!

2011-04-03T14:37:00.004-04:00

I can't believe my little baby is 2 months old! To mark the occasion, here's a comprehensive posting about what's going on (I stole the idea from others -- seemed useful!)

BREAST-FEEDING: Thanks to all for your input and support on my "I hate this breast feeding crap" post. We've settled into what I think is a good place and hopefully we can keep it going. At this point, I pretty much just pump and feed breastmilk from a bottle. I put him up to my boob directly once a day or so, but at this point, he gets a little annoyed by the slower pace. Is it what I had envisioned? Nope. Is it time consuming to pump and feed? Yep. But is it working? Yes. And supply has increased so he gets very little formula. In fact, the only reason he gets any is because he appears to have reflux, and so the formula we use is helping that.

SLEEP/FUSSINESS: Right now, he's the best night time sleeper EV-ER. (Here, I have cursed myself. I'm sure the next post will be all about how he doesn't sleep.) He goes to bed at 8ish every night and usually sleeps through until about 3am. Then he's up for a feed and back down until about 6.30am. My husband works some magic on him and snuggles with him in the morning and can get him to stay asleep until 9am or so, and then we start our day. Of course, I can't get him to sleep past 7 or so in the morning, but that's still pretty ok with me. We have a bed in his room, and so every once in a while one of us decamps to his room so that the other can stay asleep and we don't have to go so far to see what's going on. Bear in mind, of course, that we are talking about a NYC apartment, so nothing is really far, but at 3am, not having to walk those extra 15 feet helps. He grunts and groans a fair amount while sleeping, but we are learning how to discern which noise is serious and going to lead to a crying baby and which noise is just gas or a dream or something we can ignore.

He used to be really easy to put to sleep, and could be put in his crib awake and he would just fall asleep after some time. Now, however, he needs rocking, patting, etc. and has to be pretty drowsy before he can be put down. Case in point -- he finally fell asleep at 930pm after starting with bedtime feeding at about 8. Not the end of the world, but I miss the old days!

In terms of where he sleeps, he's been in his crib since day 1 -- we put him down there for naps and at night. Since his reflux/ spitting up has gotten worse (about 2 weeks ago) we have him sleeping in his car seat, but that's not going to last, and we are going to have to talk to the ped about a better solution when we go in this week.

DEVELOPMENT: He hasn't smiled yet, but he is doing a whole lot more looking and following people, their voices, images in his books (esp. the b/w ones). Considering he was so early -- he really is only one month past his due date -- we are assuming he is fine. But man -- I'd love to see a smile. Sometimes when he is dropping off to sleep he makes a bunch of funny faces, to include a smile, but I don't think it counts unless he is fully conscious. But despite the lack of smiling, he does appear to know who I am and his eyes follow me around, which is remarkably emotionally gratifying.

On the physical development, though, his small size appears to be helping hi -- he is great pushing up his chest and head, and, in a move that we don't think was either intentional or replicable, he rolled over from tummy to back last week. It surprised the hell out of everyone and, while I think it's pretty cool, am hoping that he doesn't start moving too soon! He also uses his newly developed neck muscles when he is up against my shoulder and looks around or, if he's hungry, bops his head around looking for something to suck on. It's actually quite entertaining, although I'm worried he's going to bash his head into mine.

SIZE -- He's probably around 10lbs at this point, but we will find out exactly what is going on with his weight and length gain on Tuesday at his appointment. He's already outgrown some newborn size clothes and has moved from newborn to size 1 diapers (see -- I told you my little boy was growing up!). And amusingly, he has outgrown a lot of his socks -- he has big hands and feet!!

OTHER STUFF -- I still am beyond happy and grateful that I get to be this little boy's mom. I'm tired, but I'm ecstatic.

It's 4am; where else would a new mom be?

2011-03-28T04:07:00.000-04:00

It is 4am and I am awake and hooked up to my breast pump sitting in our darkened living room. And bored, so posting via blackberry seems like a good way to while away the time.

B is asleep, after much wrangling - I think I swaddled and then unswaddled about 4 times, which may be a record. Long gone are the days (yeah, that's funny - the kid is only 54 days old) where we could swaddle a wide awake babe and place him in his crib, where he would drift off to sleep without a peep. Now there is rocking, and shushing and rubbing to induce drowsiness before he is put to bed. And if he's not yet ready? He will fight like hell to get out of the wrap, and grunt and cry until you liberate him. And sometimes (as in tonight, I *think* he's ready to sleep well before he actually is. But now, and hopefully for the next 5 hours or so, he's asleep. The video monitor shows him sleeping peacefully.

And I'm not complaining - he is a wonderful sleeper and usually is asleep from around 8-9pm until 2-3am and then until 7-8am. So while it's a long wakeup, it's only one. Of course I am up to pump at 1 and then after he goes to sleep at 4, so I get extra time awake, but its worth it to me to get him the good stuff to eat.

And on that, thanks to all of you for your comments - very much appreciated. I'll be emailing a couple of you for LC recs - I've seen two, but am open to more views to get this sorted - I am on mat leave until July so there is plenty of time to feed full time.

And on that, the latching seems to have improved - it is nearly pain free at this point - he was causing these vasospasms (basically draining the blood flow by compressing) and then for an hour or so afterwards there was pretty excruciating pain as blood flow came back.think of when your toes get really cold and then you warm them. And then put that feeling onto your nipple. It was not awesome.) But he's still not getting enough, as evidenced by another feedathon that resulted in him still rooting around looking for more. So right now, we have a supply shortfall, but I'm hopeful that it is solveable.

Ok - pumping done. I'm off to bed. I hope he stays sleeping!!

I spend all day thinking about my boobs

2011-03-24T15:48:00.004-04:00

So I've mentioned this before, but I really am not digging breastfeeding. I think its a combination of factors:

- my son is not the greatest latcher and so has been compressing my nipples in a way that caused a lot of pain during and after feeding. Most likely because he is small, but he also is a bit tongue tied, but I'm not really up for doing the frenulum snipping procedure.

- Per the pediatrician, I had to supplement with formula early on because he was so small (he was 5 lbs 6 oz when we took him home) and my milk wasn't in yet, and so bottles were introduced early.

- I got some lousy advice (from a pediatrician, no less) to not start pumping right away, so my supply was never up to the demand since formula was already in the mix, and I am still trying to catch up

- I got other lousy advice to switch boobs after 10 minutes, and therefore ended up with a baby still hungry after each feeding session and having to either go back to boob 1 (which in light of the pain, I really loathed) or get topped off with a bottle, usually of breastmilk, but sometimes formula, thereby causing more supply issues.

- My son is a very aggressive eater, and gets really really worked up before he eats and so is all gaping mouth and flailing arms and legs when I try to latch him on. We call it the hungry shark routine -- he roots around so violently it's like a shark in chummed waters who will grab onto anything. So in the wee hours of the night, and sometimes in the middle of the day, it is not super fun to get him to latch on, and usually involves one of us crying.

I guess I thought that breastfeeding would be just this dreamy, wonderful way for us to bond and that it would come easily to both of us. Because, you know, the whole getting pregnant and childbirth parts had gone just exactly according to plan, so why not this? (Here, I jest. I appear to be completely unable to actually learn from my experiences or, for that matter, from the experiences of others -- there are plenty of women who have detailed their breastfeeding woes on their blogs, and I have read them. But I was certain that I would be different.)

But breastfeeding is not dreamy, and feeding my son has become, for me, fraught with stress and self-doubt. Because what kind of mom hates breastfeeding? The rational part of my brain knows that, for the time being at least, he is still getting as much breastmilk as I can produce, which is right now 100% of his intake, just from a bottle. And that feeding him and keeping him growing and healthy, no matter how, is more important than some preconceived notion of ideal motherhood. And that we still snuggle and are close and spend the same time together.

Yet the emotional part of my brain is telling me that I have failed. I feel like, once again, my body has let me down. And I feel that, if I really really was meant to be a mom, that this would work and that I would love it. And that I am shortchanging me and Benjamin from an important experience and that his development and nutrition are suffering. Frankly, I *know* that's crap, but I have trouble not letting those doubts about what I am doing seep in.

Case in point: despite the fact that I am either breastfeeding or pumping 8-10 times a day (and this includes waking up at night to pump while the baby is sleeping, which is really sucky), I don't appear to be able to keep up with his demand. He's been unusually hungry in the past couple of days, and neither sticking him on my boobs nor feeding him his bottle appears to be satisfying him. So I am coming to a point where I am running out of food for him, and will likely need to resort to formula if he is to remain satisfied. Honestly, there is nothing quite so heartbreaking as nursing your child for over an hour (letting him nurse until he drops off each side -- twice!) and then having him be visibly hungry 30 minutes later. Because that's what happened yesterday afternoon, and when offered a bottle of breastmilk, he downed 4 oz.

So here I am -- facing the fact that I have run out of my refrigerator stash of breastmilk, knowing I don't pump enough at each sitting for a full feed, and recognizing that, no matter how long I keep him at my breasts, he's likely not going to get enough, and will start getting frustrated before he gets full. It sucks, and it makes me feel broken and pathetic, but I'm going to have to supplement with formula tonight if I don't have some sort of miracle pumping output.

Combine that with the fact that he still causes a decent amount of pain and that I had a clogged duct on the left side that would not resolve with nursing, pumping and hot compresses (it has, but it took about 20 hours), it's no wonder I think that this breastfeeding thing sucks.

So that's the stressful part of being a mom. Everything else is actually going really well -- he's a good sleeper, is easily consoled when he cries (well, except for 2 nights, but those were outliers), and he's alert and playful for much of the day. But feeding him makes me super anxious, and I'm either going to have to figure out how to make more breastmilk (and yeah, I'm drinking the tea, taking the fenugreek, which makes me smell like Indian food, and eating oatmeal) or I'm going to have to just be ok with supplementing with formula when the need arises.

Here's my request of you -- tell me it's ok that I am getting him as much breastmilk as I can produce, that delivery mechanism doesn't really matter, and that formula won't kill him or make him hate me when he is 18 and doesn't get into his first choice of college (yeah, I TOLD you I was irrational.)

No, I'm not dead, just a human snack bar

2011-02-28T12:41:00.005-05:00

Wow -- I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted. I think about doing so all of the time, and have the best intnetions, but well, things (like feeding, changing and sleeping) get in the way.

Case in point, I wrote the first half of the above paragraph two hours ago. And now, after some consternation on Benjamin's part, I have a sleeping baby in a bouncy seat next to the desk.

And nope-- now I am holding him. Someone has a tummy ache. So I will proceed with my non-dominant hand.

I think the biggest surprise and challenge so far is breast feeding> I don't want to complain or whine, but it is hard. No shit hard. (fwiw, I just took another hour break. This stomachache is really messing with napping today.)

Yeah. And then I took a break for 4 more weeks. Because I wrote the above on February 18th and today? Today is March 14th. Its not that I don't have time, or a lot to say, but just that I use Benjamin's down time as an opportunity to do mindless things like eat, watch TV or sleep.

But anyway, where are we now? Things are, by and large, awesome. We love our little man and think that we have drawn an especially good card from the deck -- he sleeps for up to 6 hours some nights, he is alert and happy for several hours each day, during which time we can play, and he can pretty much put himself to sleep when we put him in his crib awake -- he just hangs out until he falls asleep. So, yeah, it appears he is an easy baby.

That said, this is tiring and, well, hard work. And feeding the little one still is a source of stress for me, because he still is not latching great and when he does, he is having a compressing issue. By that I mean that he mashes the living crap out of my nipple leaving me in some amount of excruciating pain. So we are trying to sort through the balance between my desire to breastfeed and my own survival instinct. Today we are on a pump and bottle plan and that's going just fine.

There's a lot more to write about breastfeeding, about my feelings about it, and about how I thought it would all work but yet isn't really, but if I embark upon that longer post, this will NEVER see the light of day. Or at least not until April.

So here's my highlights, in no particular order:

- I have never felt so totally overwhelmed with emotion as I do when I look at my baby boy.

- My DH is more in love with Benjamin than he thought possible.

- My husband has been an awesome father so far. It's been really wonderful to work together on meeting our little one's many, many needs.

- B is an easy kid -- he can be put in his crib awake, he can hang out there awake for a while, he is generally easy to soothe, he is often awake and alert for an hour at a time after he eats, and has only had one or two episodes of inconsolable crying.

- Breastfeeding is not as easy as it might be. And when it hurts, it really hurts.

- Pumping makes me feel like a cow.

- C-section recovery isn't so bad.

- Yes, I do talk about poop and farting all the time. And I'm convinced it's fascinating.

- Motherhood is better than I could have imagined.

Life with baby -- birth

2011-02-14T16:13:00.004-05:00

Wow -- I've tried sitting down to post about 100 times, and yet never quite make it (and now should be napping, but...).

I'm totally in love with my son. Heart-stoppingly, life-changingly in love. It is more amazing than I could have expected, and just thinking about how lucky I am and how grateful my husband and I both are for the opportunity to have this child -- our child -- makes me cry.

So how did I get here? After my routine 36 week sonogram showed very very low fluid levels, I was admitted to the hospital and hooked up to an IV and fetal monitor and basically let alone until the next morning. Note that, at 36 weeks pregnant and being pumped full of fluids, I became quite adept at moving through the cramped double room to the bathroom with the IV pole. I probably slept no more than one hour, because, well, I had to pee over and over and was terrified that they would have to deliver the baby early.

My OB came in at 730 the next morning and did another sonogram and, to our dismay, there was still low fluid. No good reason for it (I was drinking HUGE amounts of water every day), but so low that it could have led to cord compression and danger to the baby. So we started to prep for an 11.30am delivery time. And I started to get really really nervous. Apparently I hid it well, because my husband was not aware of how terrified I really was. The Boy arrived at the hospital at 9 and we both began the pre-op process. Even if the baby hadn't been breech, he would have had to be a c-section, because with such low fluid, contractions could have harmed him.

At 1030 they took me to the OR and yes, I was still scared. Scared that the c-section itself would hurt, scared that there would be something wrong with the baby, scared of being so completely mentally and practically not ready to have a baby that day and how we would manage.

Anesthesia was not bad (remember, we are all good with needles, and this one I didn't even have to see!) and my OB who I love love love basically hugged me as the anesthesiologist put in the local and then the spinal block. Then the nursing team and OB sprang into action and started prep for the procedure. At this point the curtain was set up over my chest and so my husband came in. I swear I have never held anyone's hand so tightly for so long. And I kept my eyes either closed or on him -- for some reason looking up at the lights or at the curtain just amplified my anxiety. But talking to him about what was happening -- that we were about to meet our baby -- made it much much less scary.

The team was great about telling me what they were doing and when, and were very forthright about the fact that there would be "pressure not pain" -- I honestly couldn't even figure out what that meant until it was happening. But once I was opened they really started compressing my belly up near the top -- there were a couple of very big pushes into my chest so as to move the baby down so that he could be brought out. It didn't hurt, per se, but was just a very foreign and not entirely pleasant feeling.

And then, after only about 10 minutes from the time the procedure started, he was out. And it -- the mystery baby that we have talked to and hoped for and loved -- came into the world and we got to see him. And finding out that the baby was a boy, and knowing that our names were all picked out, was just wonderful because there was this one moment where the baby went from being a theoretical "it" baby to being a our son with a name.

And so they showed us Benajmin, all covered in goo, and then took him to be cleaned up and checked out. And we cried, because he cried loudly and healthily, and because we were so so lucky that he was not very small and was breathing without trouble. He scored brilliantly on his Apgar test (9.9! Yeah for slightly premature babies exceeding expectations) and so was deemed healthy enough to avoid the NICU entirely and go to the well baby nursery. He weighed in at 6lbs 1oz and 20 5/8th inches -- he was clearly on track to be a big baby!

And then they brought him back to my husband and let him hold him while they put me back together, and we all reconnected about 30 minutes later (really, I have no idea of the time -- there were drugs involved) in the recovery room. And I got to hold him and touch him for the very first time and it was magic.

It wasn't at all how we had prepared or planned, but it was wonderful all the same. Because all that is really important is that Benjamin entered the world and that he is here and is healthy.

Benjamin Lewis....

2011-02-02T22:25:00.001-05:00

its a boy!!! 6 lbs 1 oz, 20 5/8 in.

Born 1122 on 2/2/11

thats 1122 on 2211 cant make that up!

More to follow!

happy birthday to...

2011-02-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

I'm having this baby today.

I'm both excited and terrified, but the baby looks great on the monitors and it appears that out is better than in. So I have to trust my doctor and the staff here to take good care and make the right decisions.

More later!

Best laid plans

2011-02-01T16:03:00.000-05:00

I was intending to write a post about my shower this past weekend and how I felt so loved and special and like I was just wrapped in a big hug the entire time. And it was wonderful and I had a simply perfect weekend.

However, I've got other stuff going on - I'm in the hospital. I went for a standard, scheduled sonogram to check on baby size and position. All looks good with le bebe - still breech, about 6 lbs - and that is a huge relief.

The problem? My amniotic fluid volume is very very low - like 1.5l instead of 5l. And so I'm here, hooked up to an IV and spending the night.

But heart rate is good and there's tons of movement, so no one is worried about the baby right now. But this is likely something I'll be fighting for the next month, if the IV does the trick.

The plan is to measure me again tomorrow, and if the levels are still low, I'm having a c-section at 1130am. My OB gives it about 60% probability that tomorrow will be the day.

I had actually already come to grips with the c-section since this baby was breech, so that's fine. But we are NOT READY and the baby is still very very small. So I'm kind of freaking out, trying to be more centered and calm than anything else.

But mostly, I'm just dealing with things like furniture delivery, buying clothes over the phone and washing sheets.I think my brain can't take the fact that tomorrow there may be a baby.

Did I just write that? Holy mother of g*d, there might be a baby tomorrow!!!

Settling in for the long wait

2011-01-28T13:06:00.002-05:00

I wish I could hibernate and when I woke up the baby would be ready to come out into the world. Because this part of pregnancy? This part is starting to be a bit on the suck-ola side. (Feel free to stop reading if this makes you want to hurl. I am still incredibly grateful and so so excited, but I'm feeling a wee bit entitled to a bit of a whine.)

My pregnancy compromised immune system and lack of decent sleep have caused -- get this -- an outbreak of shingles. Because it's not enough to have to get up 3x a night to pee. I now need to stay up trying desperately not to rip my own skin off with itching. I'm doing better now than I was earlier this week, but on Wednesday as I was trudging through the snow and slush after my diagnosis, I was pretty precariously balanced on that ragged edge between reason and meltdown. I just was worried that the shingles or the associated treatment would be bad for the little one. But apparently not, and as long as this is cleared up by the time I deliver (which it should be -- it should be cleared up within a week) I will not have to be quarantined from my newborn baby. I'm slathered with calamine lotion and doing a good job of not scratching, and am pleased that I have yet to have a crying meltdown over this. Because this part of pregnancy is hard, and the itching and worry about some random disease? Not making it easier.

My baby (Can I say that? Is it really a baby yet? Holy shit, every time I think about what is actually IN there I start to freak out a wee bit that I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant...) is breech. Head is right in the middle, some appendages with sharp points are on my right side and every once in a while something hard pokes my bladder/ cervix. I've discussed with my OB trying to flip the baby, and we'd both prefer not to, as she's seen too many of these attempts end up in emergency c-sections because there was a good reason the babies were breech. I've also gone to acupuncture 2x and burned that stinky stuff over my little toes at home. I only did that once, though, as it made everyone in the house, to include the dog, nauseated. But head is still up. I'm not even going to go into how I think that head up means that something is wrong, as I've tried to put those fears to rest. But they are there, just lurking waiting for a moment of weakness.

Breech means (for me, at least) heartburn. The heartburn is killing me. Water, bread, lettuce -- they all cause it, mostly because there is just a tremendous amount of pressure upwards from the little one's head. It is without a doubt my least favorite part of pregnancy. I'll trade the gagging for the reflux/ heartburn. I'm not even kidding.

Snow. Enough, people. We've had snow, sleet, ice way more than usual, and that has made commuting to work scary and hard. It just wipes me out, and so today I am working from home. I could use a bit of a break on the weather so that I am not so exhausted just by getting to work.

Oh -- and my shower is this weekend (more on that later). Which is very exciting and I have friends coming in from all over (Texas, people, they are flying in from as far away as Texas!), but I have (a) this icky looking rash on my neck which is not very nice for photos and (b) since there is the possibility of giving people chicken pox if they haven't had them, two people have had to drop out. One has never had chicken pox or the vaccine (this is just crazy -- she has two little kids!) and one was going to bring her 3 week old, as she is nursing. But the baby shouldn't be too near me, so now she can't make it. But I am excited about the shower and think that it still will be loads of fun. But shingles is complicating my life unnecessarily and I resent that.

OK -- I feel better now, a bit, after venting. But still itchy.

I'm not sure I needed to see that

2011-01-05T15:30:00.006-05:00

We went to our first childbirth class last evening, and I have to say that I am a bit traumatized -- I'm not sure I needed to see the super up close video of the baby being born. I mean, that is a VERY large head coming out of what I assume was once a rather small hole. And there's goo and blood and all manner of painful grimacing and noises and the placenta is e-freaking-normous and yucky looking and....

Can you tell that I am in some amount of denial about how the baby gets from inside me to out in the world?

Can you also tell that I am going to ask for an epidural at my first opportunity?

Overall, though, class was pretty good. We opted to go for the "low threshold" class -- 3 nights of 2 hours each plus a hospital tour -- and this was a good first introduction, although I knew a lot already since I've read a couple of books about labor/ delivery (despite the fact that it was much more natural-childbirth focused than I am, I quite liked The Birth Partner. ) But I suspect that many of the things that seem so simple now are going to completely flee from our minds once labor actually arrives.

A couple of observations:
- My husband and I are like small children and kept giggling. At pretty much everything, to include the naked women grunting their way through childbirth. And at any mention of pee.
- We are not the oldest parents in NYC. That should not be a surprise, but it makes me feel good.
- I'm not actually that enormous, compared to the other women at the class. Again, made me feel good. Although 2 of 6 other women were teensy weensy. WhatEVS.
- The Boy's ability to focus and count breaths needs to improve: when asked "how many breaths in the last minute?" He shouldn't answer "ummm, 4 or 5?"
- Breathing exercises are funny when your eyes are open. Closing them relieves some embarrassment, but there was still a lot of giggling.

High point of the evening: after going over all the material, when the instructor asked another guy what to do if his wife was 32 weeks and having contractions every 5 minutes, and he said "I'd tell her to relax." (The correct answer is "call the doctor.") I was quite heartened to see that the Boy realized what a grave error this other father-to-be made and looked at me knowingly --he and I both know full well that I will remove his head from his body if he tells me to "just relax" when I am experiencing contractions with that regularity.

I'm going back to the OB tomorrow for another check-in. Le bebe was very much not head down last time, so I will be interested to see if it has flipped over. I think not, as I am feeling what I believe to be a very sharp shoulder above my navel, but we will see. I'm not worried about the breech thing yet -- still have time for flipping -- but for my own personal comfort I wouldn't mind a flip over (see comment about sharp shoulder).

It's all getting to be very real -- and I'm really getting very excited.

Happy Holidays, and making a break for it

2010-12-28T14:16:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays!! I hope you all are having wonderful vacations/ holidays/ what all.

That said, I know that this is a purely brutal time of year for many -- the holidays sometimes seemed designed to really just rub salt into already very painful wounds. And New Years is just another reminder of time passing, and the things that we (still) are missing. So that's not all that awesome either. So maybe I'll revise that initial line to read "I hope that the holidays have sucked less than you feared they would, and that they continue to be as painless as possible." Because I do believe in being realistic and sometimes minimizing trauma is the best that you can hope for.

I'm actually at work this week, although it would be a real stretch to consider what I am doing working. Mostly I am just here, occupying space, and trying not to use any vacation days so that I have more paid time off next year. And writing a blog post, which has happened all too infrequently recently.

We don't celebrate Christmas, so it's been a relatively quiet week for me -- just some cooking, hanging out, going to movies and long naps. Oh, and a blizzard that dumped 20 inches of snow on the neighborhood so I had a snow day yesterday, which was awesome. (I love the first snow and yesterday was lovely -- fluffy snow in the park, blue sky and sun. The dog, the Boy and I all played in the snow for about an hour, which was just perfect. I never get tired of watching my dog leaping through the snow and burying his head in the deep drifts. It cracks me up every. single. time.)

On the pregnancy front, not much new to report except that I'm just about 31 weeks pregnant and I'm starting to be b-i-g BIG. Right now, there is some body part lodged under my right side ribs kind of further back than you might think that a gestating fetus would belong. And the movement has been characterized by huge kicks and pushes and swooshy turns that feel, truly, as if something is going to break out through my right side. It's highly entertaining and very cool, but not the most comfortable thing ever. I keep trying to convince it to move, but it is really happy up there. So I'm basically getting resigned to some discomfort.

On the discomfort front, I don't know what I ate wrong the last few days, but my heartburn has been epically bad, even with pepcid. I'll not regale you with my story of woe from the other night (it involved a panicked run to the bathroom to be sick) but I'm really really hoping that things quiet down. Really really hoping. Really.

But I do love LOVE the moving around. Yeah, it sometimes has a bit of an alien invasion feel (and look) to it, but I love it and already know I'm going to miss it. While I like sharing what's going on with the Boy and having him watch/ feel what's going on, I also like the secret part of it: it's just me and the little one, and that closeness is wonderful and magical and will change forever when le bebe enters the world.

As a holiday present to you all (just go with it), I have posted my first (and perhaps only) photo. I'm wearing leggings, so you can truly see how enormous I am in back and in front, but I guess that's how it goes. The body changes are pretty amazing, actually (except today someone asked me if I was having twins, which was not amazing at all and made me feel like a cow. What Evs.). I feel that about a lot of this pregnancy nowadays -- that it is just a series of small miracles that combine into the truly remarkable.

Three

2010-12-09T15:24:00.003-05:00

That's the number of the trimester of pregnancy I am now in. Three. There are only three, so I am in the last one. I say this, and yet am still surprised and joyous and grateful, all kind of jumbled together.

Had my 28 week appointment today, and all is good. Well, let me amend that, what they could measure was good. I'm awaiting the results of the glucose test (that orange stuff? blech. It had so much sugar that both le bebe and I were totally jittery) and will have those tomorrow. But le bebe is looking good, head down today (so those ARE feet in my ribs!) and a nice strong 150 bpm heart beat. It is starting to look more baby like, which is amazing.

I still have the same stuff -- heartburn, minor edema, stretching pain, low back pain -- but none of it is worrisome to my OB, just niggling annoyances to me. I also am now sporting a stripe that runs down my entire abdomen.

I guess when I first thought about being pregnant (as opposed to getting pregnant, which I thought about for the previous 2 years) I said "I'll never gain more than 30 lbs" and "Oh those weird skin discolorations -- my body is not going to do that" and "Eeew -- swollen ankles? Never!" And I have all of them. In spades. It's just a really good lesson in why not to be arrogant (Incidentally, you'd think I'd have learned that before, during the whole "I am not getting pregnant and my body is betraying me in ways I never expected it would" phase. Apparently not.). Thankfully, I don't have that sense of anger and betrayal at my own body -- just more like a sense of surprise at how it is changing. Do I love all of the changes? Nope. But do I understand that they are all part of this miraculous process and accept them? Yes. And some I even think are wonderful and beautiful. And I suspect that the changes will continue as le bebe grows and that not all will be that great for me. But they will all be part of this process and I will (I hope) accept them with some amount of grace.

Dealing with things I cannot control has never been my strong suit, and infertility made that so. much. harder. But now, pregnancy and (dare I say it) motherhood are just one thing after another that I can't really control, and so grace and acceptance seem like the best way forward.

It's December and I'm still pregnant

2010-12-01T17:07:00.002-05:00

I suppose that it should not be a surprise to me any more, but it is. I'm 27 weeks pregnant today (thank you Baby Center for telling me that le bebe is the weight of a head of cauliflower.) And since I haven't written much about what's going on with me and this pregnancy, here's my not-that-interesting-to-anyone-including-my-husband rundown of what's going on.

I'm officially enormous. There is no more thinking "is she just fat?" -- I am unambiguously pregnant. So much so, people have started offering me seats on the subway, and I have shamelessly started to take them. But despite the enormity, I like the way I look. Yeah, I want my own boobs back, but for right now, it's all kinds of awesome.

The amazing energy level of trimester two? That's starting to fade a bit, and my advanced maternal age is starting to make itself felt. I'm pretty tired most evenings after work, actually, and would love to be in bed at 10pm every night.

The swelling has started. Actually, it started on vacation, but was mitigated by a lot of water. Now even my 96oz per day and elevating my feet doesn't really get rid of it all. So I'm consigned to clogs and a couple of pairs of flat boots, and just looking forward to seeing my ankle bones again in March. Although my compression socks do help and I have to admit to being kind of in love with them. Yes, putting them on requires a tremendous effort and all manner of grunting and groaning, but they rock.

My lower back is starting to hurt. Not a lot, but I'm stiff and its harder and harder to get comfortable. So sleeping through the night is definitely a thing of the past, and I expect it to get worse before it gets better (like in a year). Similarly I am winded easily, and find climbing the 3 flights of stairs to our conference rooms more challenging, and know that this will also be harder. And my reflux has not gone away -- yes, it's better most of the time, but it still pops up at inconvenient times (I completely over-ate at Thanksgiving and then thought I was going to die. Or explode. It's so annoying when you feel bad and you know it's your own damned fault. It was like a hangover -- I had no one to blame but myself!)

While none of this sounds all that awesome, I am good. It turns out Le bebe had the hiccups for the first time today (or, more accurately, I really could tell what they were) and moves around a ton. Sometimes it's pretty insistent moving, but I love it. And so despite the fact that I was awake for 30 minutes at 4am and had an aching hip, I was beyond happy about the kicking and the wiggling. I lay in bed giggling and crying because what I am feeling is magical and wonderful and I am lucky. Yeah, I'd rather do without the swelling, but I'd take a whole lot more discomfort for the 30 minutes of wiggling I got this morning.

What a difference a year makes

2010-11-23T14:30:00.002-05:00

Just about one year ago I was having a meltdown because (a) I was 39 crashing into 40; (b) my first IVF cycle had been cancelled because of a cyst; (c) I was actually doing an IVF cycle and; most importantly, (d) I wasn't pregnant despite about a year of trying.

This year? This year I am 26 weeks pregnant, 40 years old and ok with it most of the time, and feeling pretty good. I don't have to bring syringes and drugs through the airport and I am obsessing over the perfect gender neutral crib bedding.

And for this difference -- this tremendous, life altering change, I am thankful. I could cry every time I think about how happy I am that modern science worked for me.

Many of you all are still on the road to parenthood, and I know how hard this time of year is, because I have been there and wept and moaned and raged. And I hope that your path leads to a family in a way that brings you joy and leaves you at peace and that you don't dread the next holiday season.

I'm wishing you all the very best for this Thanksgiving.

What should I do? How should I feel?

2010-11-17T17:06:00.008-05:00

I've been mulling over this post for a long time, and I'm finally ready to put it out there because, well, I'm kind of just fed up. Here's the story:

About a year ago when I was just embarking on IVF #1 after about a year of trying (and clomid, drug of the devil), I was in hiding. We've all been there -- other people's lives just look too good when you are in the pit of despair. But I came out of hiding and confided in one of my friends and she mentioned that another friend, S, had also kind of dropped off the map. So I took a leap of faith and emailed S to see if she and I were both trapped in the same circle of hell and whether she wanted to get dinner and commiserate.

As it turned out, I was right, and S was already the veteran of 5 or so IVF cycles, had lost both of her tubes (don't ask me how/ why) and was still very much not pregnant. We had a good dinner where we shared and laughed and even cried a little about how horrible it all was and generally just commiserated.

Subsequently, we got together a couple of times and emailed when things were bad and generally just kept up on how each other was doing or when another friend did something horribly insensitive, etc.

In February we had a big girls trip with 11 of us (3 without kids, to include me and S) and it was hard. It was fun and I'm glad I went, but it was hard to hear about kids and second and third kids all the while knowing that my recent beta was a whopping 5.2. And it was hard for S as well. That was visibly obvious. And when I checked in on her after the weekend to try to get together her response was "I need some time -- let's just connect in June."

So I get it. People need to retreat to their comfortable places when they are emotionally not ready to deal , and I don't presume to know how bad it was for her or what she went through, but it kind of pulled the rug out from under me and took away a source of my support as well. But again, when things are bad, we all get very focused on the "me" and not so much on the "you." But it kinda sucked anyway, especially since I went on to fail IVF #2 at that time and could have used an IRL friend who "got it."

Then, against all hope, FET #2 from our first IVF cycle actually worked and I got pregnant. And so I didn't contact S during the summer because I wasn't telling anyone I was pregnant, and I thought that sharing with her would just be cruel. But I agonized over it -- I agonized over not checking in on her and over how I would tell her if the pregnancy continued. Because frankly, I never thought she would get pregnant -- she had done 10 IVF cycles at that point and was thinking about giving up.

After I started coming out to our mutual friends, I was very clear with each person I told that not everyone knew. The Boy and I had decided that the best way to tell S was to send her an email right around the same time I told other people. That way she wouldn't find out from anyone else and she wouldn't have to pretend to be all kinds of nice to me on the phone or in person -- it just seemed like the most respectful and kindest way to deal with what was a really a very difficult situation. But because I was still agonizing about it, I tested my plan with another friend, C, who knows both of us -- and our IF issues -- well. And when C said "don't worry about it -- S is 22 weeks pregnant," while I felt relieved and happy for her, I also felt a little bit kicked in the gut, because it was clear that I was a whole lot more worried about how S's feelings than she was about mine. And I also felt like an idiot, because apparently all of our friends knew she was pregnant except me!

I executed on my plan anyway, and sent her a short note letting her know that I was 15 weeks pregnant and that most of our other friends did know. Her response? "I'm so glad for you. I'm also pregnant, due on Jan 2." It seemed kinda terse. But I soldiered on as if all was fine and set up a plan to meet for dinner, which we did a few weeks later. Dinner left me feeling kinda cold and sort of like she'd rather be home organizing her sock drawer. And she hasn't responded to my two emails since.

I've talked to a couple of other friends about this and two have had similar experiences. And S has said to multiple people, including me, that she doesn't think she will ever get over her experience of IF. And I get that -- trying and failing to get pregnant for well over a year and doing IVF cycles changed me too.

But we are both now pregnant and it has actually kind of worked out. And it would be pretty cool to have a friend in NY who has a kid the exact same age. But she's just shut me out, and I can't get past feeling sort of betrayed and hurt by her. And so I'm essentially writing off the friendship. She doesn't appear to want to be friends and she doesn't really appear to care about my feelings or experience of pregnancy after IF. And I don't want to make it a "thing" and even address this -- I'm just kind of done. Sad at how things turned out, but done. But I guess I'm wondering whether I'm giving up too easily or should at least have the conversation before I check out completely.

Gah. Interpersonal relationships are so messy.

I'm still here

2010-11-12T20:14:00.002-05:00

And all is well. I've just been crazy busy at work since we got back from vacation and in the evenings either I am falling asleep at 8.30pm or the Boy has commandeered the computer to watch NHL games that aren't on TV (yeah, our lives are exciting like that). I'm reading on my bberry, though, but I just can't figure out how to comment.

So what's going on here? Vacation was fabulous. We ate truly spectacular food, did tons of walking around each city, and had some great travel adventures. Everything really worked out perfectly.

Funny thing? It appears that I now look pregnant. A couple of little old Italian ladies were really sweet -- one wouldn't let me go through the metal detector at a museum because "it wasn't good for the baby" (this communicated in Italian and sign language).

A couple of takeaways: Rome is not a stroller friendly city. Very narrow sidewalks, cobblestone streets, and kind of crazy traffic. Paris -- much more stroller friendly, and loads of French people wheeling their kids around. Other takeaway? We actually noticed. And noticing people with small children and not being hurt or angry about it was, well, kind of wonderful.

I think it's because I can feel the little wiggler moving pretty much all of the time (except for an inordinately long time yesterday, which completely freaked me out, but that's another story) that I actually have some amount of confidence that we will have a real live baby early next year. So much confidence that tomorrow I am -- wait for it -- going to order a crib and dresser and glider. And I agreed to a shower and I've started allowing people to give me seats on the subway. I'm pregnant for what may be the only time after nearly 18 months of trying, and I'm starting to enjoy the hell out of it.

I'm off!

2010-10-22T18:31:00.002-04:00

I realized that I haven't been posting and commenting very much recently. I've been totally crazy busy at work because, well, I'm taking the next 10 days OFF!

Yep -- I leave tomorrow for vacation!

We've had this planned for a while, but it just kind of crept up on me because I have been so dang busy.

But tomorrow we leave for Rome (5 days) and Paris (3 days). And I am super beyond excited and we have loads and loads of fun meals and activities planned. (Except I don't get to drink the wine or eat the soft cheese. But I'm not focusing on that.)

So I'll be gone for a bit but look forward to checking in upon my return. May this week be full of nothing but good news for everyone.

The woman who ate Manhattan

2010-10-20T13:26:00.004-04:00

I am officially enormous.

That's the bad news. The good news is that at our 21 week appointment yesterday, all looks exactly as it should, the little one's heart was thumping away at 145 bpm, and it's all wiggly and has a somewhat simian appearance in profile. (Hence our new nickname "Monkey".)

And I am happy beyond happy about that good news. I go back in 3 weeks for a check and then in another 4 for my 28 week appointment where we test for fun stuff like gestational diabetes. And since I can now feel wiggling a fair amount, I have less fear that the Monkey has expired.

My current fear is about me and my pace of weight gain -- it's kind of stressing me out, and while I can rationalize it away in a variety of manners, it is stressful. Here's the story:
- I am nearly 5'9" and my desirable weight is <135. (I've been as low as 120, but not since I was 30.) I have a pretty small frame, and until I was older than 35 used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, but now there is real risk of porking out if I submit to my desires for dessert(s).
- IVF helped me pack on about 10 extra pounds, so my first weigh-in at the OB (8 weeks) had me at 145 (grrrrrr.)
- I just clocked in at...(wait for it)...165. I'm only 50% of the way to full term and already I have put on 20 lbs on top of the 10 I already had. And so I am kind of stressed out that I am going to be giganto-girl during and after this pregnancy.

I know that this is silly, and I can even come up with a good medical reason to have gained so much weight (more below) but I just feel icky about it. I love my round belly and am very happy that there is a healthy Monkey wiggling away, but I will admit to being pretty freaked out about my size, especially my increasingly enormous rear and the fact that I seem to just be spreading wide everywhere. I guess I just wasn't prepared for such tremendous body changes and I appear to be having a harder time adjusting to them.

And I'm worried, too. In Feb, my thyroid levels had gone kind of wonky and I got put onto synthroid to bring my TSH level down from 4, which we all thought was too high. And I've been having it monitored very regularly and it has been below 2 through this entire pregnancy, but last week my TSH was up to 2.5, so I have had to up my medication again. And now I'm worried about all of the issues that hypothyroidism can cause during pregnancy. I know that mine is anything but uncontrolled, and that lack of control is the cause of the problems, but I still worry a bit. And I wonder if whether the low thyroid function is what is causing the weight gain, or whether I am just meant to be round.

Either way, I'm trying to be ok with the weight gain but I'm just not. And I feel both stupid about even caring, and somewhat reasonable, both at the same time. I dunno -- I guess I didn't realize that being pregnant would be this emotionally complicated.

I've done it

2010-10-12T15:58:00.002-04:00

I think that, now that I can feel the little one moving pretty regularly and have passed the anatomy scan, now I might actually believe that there will be a baby.

As part of my believing in the (oh please don't let me jinx this) potential baby, I posted a little ticker thingy on my blog. I figured there's got to be some time when I stop being so neurotic about this pregnancy and start settling in and enjoying it, and this seems as good a time as any.

So that's it: I'm pregnant, I feel pretty damned good (I seem to have learned to minimize the reflux), I'm rocking some comfy elastic waist pants, and I can feel the little one move as I type this. There's no drama and I love it.

Anatomy scan -- check!

2010-10-07T12:31:00.007-04:00

We have a healthy 19 week old fetus bouncing around inside of me.

Today was our anatomy scan and everything is, despite my anxieties to the contrary, perfectly, absolutely normal.

I really really enjoyed watching the bebe for a full hour and getting to see all of the different pieces and parts. There are 4 chambers in the heart, which was pumping away at 145 bpm and looking good and healthy. There are 2 kidneys, a gall bladder, a stomach, a liver -- all of the insides are where they should be and appear to be functioning well (I loved the renal blood flow check -- that is just so neat). 10 fingers and 10 toes, 2 ears and 2 eyes, a properly formed brain -- everything was normal and we could SEE it.

A lot of time my inner luddite comes out and I protest hat modern technology has made life harder and more stressful, not easier, but this, this was cool and I'm super happy that the science exists for me to be able to see inside me and the little one to check it all out.

What did we not see? Boy or girl parts. We are still trying to keep this a "mystery baby" and so the tech was great about telling us when to turn our head away and didn't use any gender related pronouns throughout (although, weirdly, I kept slipping into the "he" and "his").

However (and you knew that this could not be drama free), the Boy thinks that he saw the gender on the computer screen with all of the measurements. Up in the upper righthand corner was "Sex: F." And while F makes me very happy (as does M -- I'm just going for healthy), I have a very strong suspicion that the information across the top of the screen was not le bebe's, but actually mine, since also at the top of the screen was my name and SSN.

The OB's office called to confirm that they had received the results and that they were all normal, and I asked the nurse whether, on the screen with all of the data, that was my info or the mystery babe's. Turns out, per the OB who called me back, it was mine. But now the Boy doesn't really believe me and he kinda wants to know the gender. But I am holding firm and really would like the surprise.

We got loads of pictures which I have been trying not to ogle all day (I am supposed to be doing a rather odious spreadsheet task), but here are 2 of my favorites. They crack me up and make me weepy, all at the same time.

Hello? Anyone there?

2010-09-30T14:15:00.004-04:00

I can feel it move.

Let me amend that. I'm about 85% sure that what I am feeling is it move.

Wow. There is something in there and I can feel it.

Suddenly the reflux and lack of decongestants seem really really unimportant (and incidentally, both issues appear to be resolving themselves with rest, no eating before sleeping, and a lot of chamomile tea and honey).

There is a growing child inside of me and it is moving and I can feel it.
That is so unbelievably exciting and wonderful I just might cry.

Status update

2010-09-28T18:28:00.004-04:00

Warning -- this is a whine-fest. But if you want my view on some of the physical aspects of being pregnant, here it is.

I've been feeling like shit, recently, in at least 2 different ways, but I've been holding back from sharing because, well, it's just seems not terribly gracious. But now? I'm tired, and cranky and need to offload.

I am more excited than I can possibly tell you that I am pregnant. Every day I wake up, rub my belly, and feel grateful to all the powers that be for allowing me to make it to 17.5 weeks. But being pregnant is HARD work.

Way one I have felt bad:
Just when I was rejoicing about how the nausea went away and the exhaustion had lifted, and how I really wanted to eat again for the first time in about 12 weeks, I ran headlong into my new worst enemy: reflux. It turns out that the really spicy food that I am craving (like a burrito with spicy barbecued beef) makes my chest and throat burn like, well, like a whole lot of acid is eating its way through tissue it shouldn't be touching. And worse still? It's not just the spicy food. It's tomatoes. And cereal with milk. And green salad with oil and vinegar. And a peanut and butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread. All of these foods have caused tremendous gastric distress and forced me to look longingly at food and then turn away, which is a problem because I am starving.

The solution? Eat virtually nothing I like. The other solution: sleep sitting up. It's bad enough that I am no longer allowed to sleep on my back, which blows as well, but to sleep propped up? I'm basically awake for at least an hour every night just sitting there like a fool, feeling really annoyed that it's 3am, I am sitting up in bed with my chest still burning despite the aforementioned sitting and not asleep. So I am tired, too. Oh yeah, and my shoulders and back hurt from sleeping like that.

Way two: I have a cold. And pretty much all I can take for it is liquids and more liquids and tylenol. Of course, citrus juice would be good, but that makes the reflux kick into overdrive. (I tried it. Not fun.) So I am coughing and coughing and yesterday I coughed so hard that I vomited. It was epically horrible and I think I am scarred for life. Word from the wise: next time you are pregnant and coughing hard and have to pee insanely badly all at the same time, try to hold the pee and face the toilet. Because I made the other decision and it was a disaster. Oh, and I was at work. Which made it horrible and embarrassing, because some poor soul was two stalls down. I took today off because (a) I was afraid of coughing/ puking again in public and (b) I'm hoping that a day off will actually help me kick this, and (c) I think the other person in the bathroom deserves a reprieve from the horror show of yesterday.

And since I can't for sure feel le bebe yet (and of course am starting to get worried about that), and have no other indications aside from belly growth that I am still pregnant, I've convinced that my belly is smaller, which means, to my mucus-addled brain, that the bebe is not growing and doom has finally caught up with me.

In short, I'm sick, chock full of acid, and a nutcase. Fabtastic combination.

On the plus side, Glee is on tonight, I got to sleep until 10 (with a "what the fuck are you doing sitting up" break between 4.30 and 5.30am), and I am starting to feel better. Oh, and I'm 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant, which blows my mind and means that my fancy dancy level II ultrasound is in just. one. week.

I've been tagged!

2010-09-27T11:54:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Sienna and InBetween for tagging me in this "let's learn more about each other instead of about our periods and hormones" game.

Here you go!

1) What's the best dish you can cook?
I make a really good roast chicken. It is one of our go-to staples -- roast chicken with lemon, rosemary and roasted potatoes and onions. Sadly, because we are gluttonous, it never lasts more than one meal.

2) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
I think 2x -- once for my wedding announcement in my hometown paper (thanks, mom, for that) and once way back in 5th grade for winning the local spelling bee. So basically, I've done nothing notable between the ages of 10 and 38.

3) What's the worst/ most memorable job you have had?
I had some truly sucky ones in my teenage years, but I think that the all time worst was working for OhioPIRG (Public Interest Research Group) going door to door canvassing for some initiative or another. I hated it with a passion, and lasted only 2 or 3 days. I mean, I wouldn't even go to people's houses to sell them Girl Scout cookies when I was a kid, so going to ask them to do something that is a lot less appealing than buying thin mints? Not for me.

4) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision getting married?
When I was 8 and my sister was 5 (or something like that), we were watching Little House on the Prairie and my sister said to my mom: "I want to get married when I'm 16 just like Mary." This prompted a little chat where we were basically told not to get married until we were 26. Why 26? I don't know, but I think my mom wanted to be sure we had an opportunity to be independent between college and marriage. So I always though "after 26." I don't think my mom had in mind that I would be 38 and my sister (now 37) would still be holding out. I guess that falls into the "be careful what you wish for" category?

5) What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
I hate cleaning the bathrooms. So I don't. We have a housekeeper that keeps us in shape. My favorite? I love putting away groceries. It's consistent with my desire to organize the universe.

6) What's your earliest memory?
This is hard. I think I remember being in the hallway outside my bedroom when my sister was brought up the stairs for the first time. It was late out, and dark, and she was way up high being held by one of my parents.

Now to pass it on --

Pie at Slice of Pie
Circus Princess
Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream

Ooops -- I missed it!

2010-09-23T13:07:00.007-04:00

I missed my one year blogoversary -- it was yesterday.

Last year at this time I was pretty much an emotional wreck:
- I had left my job because the stress and travel were too much, but had no concrete job prospects.
- The Boy had been out of work for a few months and his industry (finance/ trading) was in significant disarray, making job hunting very challenging.
- My mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time.
- My FIL's cancer had returned and he was undergoing aggressive chemotherapy.
- We had been trying to get pregnant for 9 months to no avail, and were just about to start our first IVF cycle.

This blog was an outlet for me to express all of the stress and fear and anxiety in a way that was both (hopefully) productive and could connect me to a community of people that could support me through the hard parts of everything. I had no real expectations of what I would find, and I have to say, I still remain floored by the unconditional outpourings of kindness that are received in this community between women who are, by some measure, complete strangers.

I've leaned on all of you, and leaned on the writing, to help me get through the very darkest, hardest parts of the last year. My IRL friendships, family relationships, sense of self, and marriage were strained, but I've managed to muddle through and have emerged, a year later, into a place I could only have dreamed of.
- I have a job I love, and found it relatively easily.
- Both my mom and my FIL's cancers are gone. Mom's is hopefully really gone, and my FIL is again in remission and he is feeling good.
- I'm 17 weeks pregnant today.

The Boy, throughout all of this, has been nothing short of spectacular. Yes, we have disagreed about how to proceed on cycles, about turning down jobs in the face of no other prospects, and about all manner of other foolishness. And yes, he made/ makes me crazy sometimes. But he has never really wavered in his support and love of me, even when I was hormonal and mean and not necessarily deserving of what he was offering. And for that I am profoundly grateful and immensely happy. We have made it through a very very hard year, and can honestly say that it has made us, and our relationship, stronger in every way, and has shown us that we really can weather even storms that by all rights should overwhelm us.

So now, looking forward, what do I want from the next year? Three things, actually.

I want more than anything for the thing that keeps the Boy up at night worrying to be gone. I want him to find a position where he can contribute his experience and expertise, and is valued and he enjoys his work. He has been so patient and hard-working throughout this whole process, and is so talented and smart that I want nothing more than for him to be rewarded with a role that deserves and values him.

I want this pregnancy to stay, and stay healthy and smooth, and then for there to be a healthy, happy baby at the end. I still have moments of sheer terror that this will all end in tragedy, but most of the time am just so grateful for each day of being here and being pregnant.

Finally, I want the world to be right and just and fair, and for everyone who is trying so hard to have a family to do so in a way that makes them happy. The women in this community are some of the most caring, kind, thoughtful people I have ever encountered, and they would all make wonderful mothers and should all have that opportunity.

All is still well, but I'm stuck

2010-09-15T13:17:00.004-04:00

I'm 15 weeks 6 days and all is still well.

I haven't been writing a lot recently because, well, this started as an infertility blog and I feel kind of shitty about turning it into a place where I bitch about how I don't fit into my pants any more because I am gaining pregnancy weight. I hate the idea of this blog in any way making someone else unhappy, because I can certainly tell you that there were many blogs that I used to read and had to stop because (in my mind, at least) they got pregnant and seemingly forgot all about how it felt to be infertile.

So I'm torn, I guess. I struggled for a while -- 18 months to be exact -- to get pregnant, and that pain is still very fresh in my mind. But I'm pregnant and things appear to be ok for now, and for me that means that some things that used to really bother me don't sting so much any more. But I'm not sure about talking about them here, because I really don't want to make anyone else feel bad.

This blog, then, like me, is torn between two worlds -- pregnant, fertile-dom and infertile-dom.

This even came up IRL at dinner on Saturday. We went out with friends who have a toddler, and much of the conversation was spent discussing baby stuff. Read: pregnant, fertile women conversation. But then it shifted, and I was back to being infertile: we were discussing another friend who is expecting in January after many many rounds of IVF. While I haven't spoken to that friend yet (more on that in another post), apparently she said that, while she is thrilled to be pregnant, she may never recover from the experience of infertility. The friend who was telling the story was dismissive of that; something to the effect of "she just doesn't know yet. I view my life as really starting when I gave birth and I think she will forget all of the trouble she had getting there." Infertile me could feel the heat rising and my pulse rate going up when she said that, because, frankly, I don't think you ever really "get over" infertility. I tried to explain to her that the fundamental loss of control, the loss of trust in your own body, and the sheer amount of bitterness and jealousy are really hard to get past, but I don't think she bought it. But the hurt and the anger, the lack of confidence and fear that it would/ could never work all came rushing back when we were talking.

Anyway, this is kind of rambling and long, but the point is that I feel stuck in the middle. I'm definitely pregnant (we just saw it yesterday, and so it is still there and still doing well), but I feel definitely infertile. And because I feel stuck, this blog has felt a bit harder to write. I'm sure it will change and evolve, but right now it's definitely a challenge for me to navigate these two worlds.

The great reveal, and random thoughts

2010-08-30T16:42:00.003-04:00

I told my direct boss today.
He was awesome about it, although he did say those dreaded words "Oh I *knew* it!" which leads me to believe that I am just looking F-A-T fat. (Actually, he said he knew because the day that my nausea hit we were at an all day meeting at his house, and since I both (a) asked for hard candies and (b) threw up in his bathroom, his wife kind of guessed. And yeah, I'm mortified that someone actually heard me puking my insides out, but at least I was very tidy about it.)

Which leads me to another point: I'm very ready for the nausea to take its leave. I believe that I'm ready to eat a meal and then not feel terribly bloated and nauseous for the following three hours. It was super reassuring back at weeks six and seven, but now? Now I just feel like poo and would like to be back to my own self again.

I'd also like, if the pregnancy gods are listening, to sleep more at night. I get that I have to wake up to pee. That's fine. 4am-4.03am seems like enough time for that. But at 5.44am I'm not sure I still need to be wide awake listening to my husband sleep peacefully. And, while I know this is wrong and makes me a bad wife, when I'm awake and he's asleep, I want to wake his sleeping ass up. It makes me angry that he is sleeping and I can't. I know it's bad, but it's true.

Lastly, I'm just waiting to actually look pregnant, not overweight. I know that I was probably 6-10lbs over my ideal weight when I got pregnant, and I would like to thank IVF for that (all those drugs and the times where exercise was verboten really did a number on my girlish figure), but right now, even when I look at myself hard, all I see is that stupid extra weight around my stomach instead of a pregnancy bump. I'm having a weirdly hard time with this, and really am feeling icky and fat and kind of ashamed of how I look instead of all glowy and pregnant. Maybe its just too early (13+ weeks) to look like much at all, and maybe in a few weeks when things progress further this will change, but I'm not at all in love with my pregnant shape right now, and that makes me kind of sad. The sad, of course, then makes me feel guilty that, after all of this time waiting to get pregnant, I'm not enjoying it as much as I should.

To summarize: on the one hand, very very excited to be pregnant at 40 with what appears to be (for n0w, at least) a healthy child. On the other hand, some of the stuff that comes with first trimester (weird body changes, nausea, insomnia) are not that great, and while I'd rather have them than not be pregnant, I'd also rather be pregnant without them.

It's done

2010-08-26T14:51:00.004-04:00

I bought a new bra and one of those bands. Yep, I did it. Yesterday I braved the fates and I bought what I desperately needed, and so now I am much more comfortable.

But that's not all I did. The Boy and I told people. Specifically, our families and some close friends of mine who were aware that we had been trying for a while.

It feels weird, and makes me really really anxious, as if by telling people I could super double jinx things. But at this point, after the test results and the number of weeks, we decided that it was time.

Of course then I panicked, because we hadn't been to the OB since the CVS test, and who knows what could have gone wrong. For at least three days I was convinced I had made a terrible error in telling people because I was sure that I had been leaking amniotic fluid since the CVS and that everything was over. As it turns out, I went in for my scheduled appointment on Tuesday and everything IS just fine, and I am 13 weeks today.

And next week, when my boss returns from vacation, I'm going to tell him and stop wearing oversized shirts and holding my stomach in. Because it doesn't feel good and is starting to not really work. And so then? Then I will be out for real.

CVS test, part 3

2010-08-19T10:51:00.004-04:00

Well, results are in and they are good.

The structural chromosomes all look good, and per our blood work, we are not at risk for any of the hereditary genetic diseases that strike our particular ethnic tribe.

So as far as we can know at this point, it's genetically/ chromosomally normal. Here's more info on the test itself.

I am beyond relieved, since I thought that my old eggs were certain to screw this up. We were giving it about a 50-50 chance.

I'm at 12 weeks today, and this plus the test results gives me the peace of mind to both buy some new bras (I'm literally overflowing my regular ones, and the underwire is leaving some nasty marks) and one of those belly band things, because the clothing situation is somewhat dire.

And we might actually tell people. That scares the living daylights out of me, but we are thinking that it might be time. We are going to see my mom and grandfather in person over Labor Day, so I'm going to wait on them, but my sister and inlaws might find out in the next day or two!

Oh. my. god. This is insane. I cannot believe I'm here.

Mysterious happenings

2010-08-17T12:15:00.003-04:00

Dear Abdomen:

Could you please pick one size and stay it throughout the day? It's very hard when I get dressed and have one waist measurement and then blow up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon by mid-afternoon and have to unbutton and unzip my pants when seated because my waist is many inches larger and I fear that I will cut off circulation to my lower half.

I know mysterious happenings are afoot, but it's a little disconcerting when I go from looking not-so-pregnant to looking like I could give birth any moment all in the course of a few hours. It's also hard to keep things a secret at the office if I am so round.

Also, could you please tell me what is actually in there? I know it can't actually be all fetus-related, because last we looked it was only the size of a lime and every afternoon you are the size of a ripe honeydew melon. Is it air? Water? The concentrated hopes of a 40-year-old woman who is praying every day for things to go well with her first pregnancy after 2 years of trying? As this is a question that the Boy has asked I'd really like to know too, because the "I'm just getting fat" answer is starting to give me a complex.

Thanks much for your help.

CVS test, part 2

2010-08-13T16:44:00.003-04:00

Early results are in.

Everything appears to be normal for chromosomes 13, 18, 21 and the sex chromosomes.

What is the FISH test? The FISH test basically looks for pairs of the above chromosomes and ensures that there are no more or less than 2 of each. Per the genetic counselor, this test is 95% accurate for what it tests for.

I may be relaxing a tiny bit.

CVS test, part 1

2010-08-13T09:38:00.005-04:00

Test is done. So far so good. For those of you considering/ planning, I'm giving you my full experience below.

On the plus side:
- We got to see some really high resolution images of the little guy (yeah, I have given it a gender). That was pretty amazing and made me really, really happy.
- It measures 4.6cm (~11w3d) and has a heartbeat (which we got to hear!) of 170 bpm.
- The nuchal measurements were avg of 1.1mm, which I understand from both the Dr and Google is well within the normal range for its CRL.
- We got to see this cool thing where they show blood flow on the u/s, and saw the umbilical cord.
- It was SO active that it was actually tough to do all of the measuring. But it was really awesome to watch, and the Boy, who hadn't seen it in 3 weeks or so, was amazed by how much was going on in there!
- We got to hear the heartbeat again after the procedure. I seriously can't get enough of that!
- I got to keep my pants on the entire time. Amazing.

On the down side:
- The procedure itself, while only lasting about 90 seconds, was really not very comfortable. Because I have an anterior (front) placenta, they went in abdominally.
- The initial numbing shot stung. Not a fan.
- The big needle, which I did not see and would prefer to not have any visual image of, didn't hurt going in, but once it got to it's destination? Holy crap.
- On the "holy crap" part of the procedure: it felt like very very unpleasant, deep cramps. The closest analogy is the HSG cramping, except this involved a needle being moved around to break up some tissue and suck it up the needle. I didn't watch at all. I counted ceiling tiles and breathed. I want no visual images of what was going on there, as it's too scary.
- There was still some pretty tough cramping yesterday, but today its about 60% better. No spotting or bleeding, though, which is good.

The amusing part? The MFM Dr, who depite being quite the renowned specialist, is a tiny little woman wearing tight white jeans, platform sandals, and a fluttery silk shirt with exposed shoulders. Not exactly what I expected. Quote of the day from the Boy: "she looks like she should be pole dancer." While that did not boost my confidence, it did make me giggle just a bit before we went in.

So preliminary results either today or Monday, and full results in a week.

Overall, very glad I did this. Now I just need to wait to be able to exhale and relax.
Please please please please be ok.

tomorrow

2010-08-11T21:41:00.004-04:00

CVS test is tomorrow morning and prelim results are due back either Friday afternoon or Monday.

I'm terrified.

We met with a genetic counselor today, during which time she reviewed all of the 100000 things that can be wrong, and then went over our test results (all fine from my bloodwork) and then we both created a family tree and discussed illnesses, etc.

At the end of it, the Boy was ready to curl up into a ball under the covers and I was nauseous. Pretty much everyone has/ had cancer or heart disease of some sort. Even if this potential child makes it out into the world ok, now we are worried that WE are going to die.

I'll let you know how the procedure goes. Like I said, I'm terrified.

Choices

2010-08-06T17:47:00.004-04:00

Pretty much everything about having a baby is a series of ambiguous choices. No one really knows what the "right" answer is, and the "go with your gut" is often the only way to really avoid being gripped with indecision and paralyzed at the crossroads.

From the very beginning, there were decisions:

- Should we have a baby?

- When should we stop birth control?

- Is it time yet to get some advice about why this isn't happening?

- Do we do IUI or IVF?

- Which clinic do we choose?

- How many embryos do we put back in?

- Are we ready to cycle again?

- Who do we tell that we are infertile?

- Do we skip the baby shower?

- Do we switch REs?

- Are we ready to start thinking about alternative routes to a family?

Now there are a whole bunch of new questions, some of which have answers:

- Do we tell anyone? (Nope, except one friend who just had her second baby, her first was IVF, and she "gets" it)

- Do we want to know the sex? (Nope)

- Are we able to handle a disabled child? (Not really. That's the honest truth for us.)

- Do we want to find out if everything is chromosomally ok? And when? (See below)

- How do I deal with feeling so physically crappy but at the same time remaining incredibly grateful? (Work in progress. Depends on my level of nausea and exhaustion)

- Do I have to tell everyone I am pregnant how I got to be? I'm not ashamed of the IVF, but is it anyone's business? Will I help the "cause" if I am open? (Not yet an issue, still thinking)

And I'm betting that there are more that haven't even arisen yet, but that list has already taken quite a decision-making toll on that "instinct."

Since the Boy and I both agree on what we will do with the chromosomal information, we are going forward with the CVS test next week. Thanks to all of you for your wisdom and advice -- ultimately it came down to what would work for us as a couple and (that old standby) our gut feeling.

As of today (10w1d) all is well. We took a look and it's about 3cm long and has a strong heartbeat (she didn't measure, and I resisted the urge to say "I must know this -- I need data!" because she did say that everything looked just perfect). It was on a different angle/ plane today, so initially there was just a big black circle, which created some panic, but then we found it, and it looks, well, less alien-like, but still kind of like something from a movie you might see at a drive in (back when there were drive ins).

So onward we go. Next week is a big week for us, so I'm just holding tight until then.

Making decisions (need help!!)

2010-08-02T14:53:00.006-04:00

I've found something new to worry about! The big decisions (assuming that things are still cooking inside) are all about chromosomal testing.

Option a -- Nuchal translucency (NT) scan in 2 weeks and (assuming all is ok) amnio at 16 weeks. If something looks wonky on NT scan, CVS immediately.
Option b -- CVS test in 2 weeks and then blood test later to test for neural tube defects.

The upside of CVS test -- definitive information now. Which is great. The downside? Risk of miscarriage, which some estimate as high as 1/100, but others as low as 1/1000.
NT scans can get us a lot of good diagnostic information now with no risk, but they are not definitive.

I'm trying to decide which I would feel worse about: going for a CVS now and losing the pregnancy, which would make me hate myself for making such a bad decision; or having to wait until 16 weeks to find out that there was something really wrong and then having to make a termination decision then. Basically, both would be awful, so it's impossible to decide, but I'm quite anxious about making the "right" choice.

This is such a personal decision, and so hard to make, and I don't think either is wrong, but we do have to choose only one and I would love any input that you all, in your collected wisdom, have to share.

Other side of the looking glass

2010-07-30T14:28:00.003-04:00

I had the most bizarre experience yesterday: I went to my first obstetric appointment and, while special consideration was given to my advanced maternal age and heightened anxiety about this pregnancy because of the long road I took to get here, overall I was treated just like any other pregnant woman!

It was weird. My OB was very interested in hearing about my IVF path to pregnancy (she knew the clo.mid part, since she prescribed it), but once we got the "how did you get here and what meds are you still taking" part out of the way, she mapped out the major milestones FOR THE REST OF THE PREGNANCY.

People, she wrote dates on paper.

Things like a due date and when I am supposed to stop air travel. And while I was super duper excited to see this all laid out, especially because I am a huge planner and really like to know what comes next, I was worried that doing that jinxed it and that, by the time we walked into the next room and I disrobed it would all be over. So I got vaguely nervous during what should have been just a totally normal conversation. I held it together, but I definitly felt as if I were tempting fate.

But, like many of you very very wise women have said, there is really very little I can do to screw this up, and all of a sudden becoming superstitious is not going to make this any easier nor is it going to actually blow it. So maybe I should just park the superstitious bit for a while. We'll see how that goes!

Once I got to the exam room, I took a deep breath (actually, during the breast exam I took several, since my boobs are SO sore that it hurt a LOT), and I actually believed that the little bean would be there, ok. And guess what? It was. Thinking positively actually did not call forth hail and locusts, but actually just made me feel better.

I think it was because I was treated as if I was a normal, not-batshit-crazy pregnant woman I almost started to believe I was one.

The details? It's 22mm long (actually, it was measured in centimeters this time, so 2.2cm), which is 8w6d by her calculation, and I was 9w0d, so it's pretty much right on target. It has a heartbeat of about 150bpm, and it moved. And the yolk sac was visible this time and looks perfect. Everything, weirdly, is ok. Can I say Yay for moving while I am looking? Because that just makes me so happy.

Of course, I had a brief freakout after I left about why it was measuring a day behind, when last time it was measuring 2 days ahead, but then I said "that's why they say +/- 3 days" to myself and I calmed down. Mostly. After googling CRL measurements and realizing that it was, in fact, ok.

And the best part? I get to go back in a week and see it again! Yippee!! (And yes, this was scheduled before we took our peek yesterday, so it's not because something didn't look right, but because she knows I'm neurotic.)

Wow. I'm still pregnant. And I have an OB. And a plan. (Actually, we have possibilities for the plan, so more on that later.) Wow.

oh for pete's sake

2010-07-26T17:53:00.007-04:00

So today I am feeling very insecure about this pregnancy. I have heavy duty cramps (still not quite like my period, but more insistently crampy than previous twinges) and the spillage from my progesterone suppositories was very very slightly tinged beigey-pink last evening. (And yeah, I had to get really really close to the pantiliner to see that it was not pure white. It was as awesome as it sounds.)

But my nausea, which had been on a wee bit of a hiatus is back in full force today, causing several dry heaving attacks, and my boobs are still sore.

But I am insecure about it and again in need of reassurance (please?) and again counting the moments until my appointment (Thursday morning).

My insecurities hit a high point today when, since I was out of snacks and was trolling for food just like everyone else here does someone said "you know, my wife also loved snackwells when she was pregnant."

What????

I'm barely pregnant and this thing could end in heartbreak at any moment so pardon me if I don't announce my barely pregnancy to you who are practically strangers. I mean, just because I didn't drink at a party last week, and wasn't feeling well last week I'm pregnant? wtf???

One woman, who as it turns out is an IVF veteran, saw ginger candies and crackers on my desk last week and called me out, but I am pretty sure that it wasn't her, as she has had several miscarriages and knows too well the risks of the early reveal.

I am SO not ready to be out of the closet (I'm not even at 9 weeks, and I have had no screening tests done), and frankly I think it is inappropriate to even talk about it so early. In fact, it makes me really super duper anxious even writing it down. I guess my plan is to continue denying anything. But MAN is it stressing me out. Because I don't want everyone up in my business when (if) this goes to hell.

Fuck. This is stress I did not need.

You did it!

2010-07-21T14:49:00.006-04:00

You sustained me through the crazies, and I cannot thank you all enough. Seriously, without you all providing me both comfort that my symptoms can wax and wane as well as validation that it was ok to be this crazy with anxiety, I might have just curled up into a ball and not gone to the RE out of fear.

But here's the news: I am still pregnant.

The thing is HUGE -- 17.4mm from top to bottom -- that is more than 3x bigger than last time! It's measuring at 8w1d and I am (officially) 7w6d, so it's right on target. And it has arms and legs, and a head with a brain forming inside, and we could SEE it. And we saw its heart beating away really really fast and, best thing ever, we saw it MOVE. No shit it moved and we all saw it. And I pretty much nearly started to cry, which kind of freaked my husband out.

We also got to HEAR the heartbeat. It was really really really fast, and sounded more swooshy than like a grown-up person heartbeat, but there was a regular percussive quality to the swooshiness. The downside? The u/s machines at my RE are not clever enough to be able to measure how fast it is beating, so we had to take her word for it that everything looks really really good.

And so now? Now I have an OB appointment scheduled for next Thursday. Because I really want to know how fast the little thing's heart is beating and I don't want to wait too long.

Ohmygod it MOVED. That was amazing.

Data

2010-07-20T09:41:00.004-04:00

Here's how I know I am crazy: because every morning I am convinced that this pregnancy is over (or isn't) based on the number of hairs that fall out when I am washing my hair.

In the TMI category, I usually lose a decent amount of hair every morning when I wash and condition. But since pregnant? Pretty much no hair is falling out. So to me, counting the hairs that fall out is a reasonably accurate way to determine whether the pregnancy is still healthy. And so every day I start my day with this and so by about 30 minutes after I wake up I'm totally convinced one way or the other.

So today? 16 hairs fell out. That's more than double the average of 7 from last week. And that is b.a.d.

Now I know that's ridiculous. I know this, but yet I can't keep from counting every morning and comparing it to the days when I knew that the pregnancy was still moving along ok (that would be 2 weeks ago, prior to the u/s).

I have created a whole mystical, quasi-scientific set of reasons that I am not pregnant, and hair loss is one of them.

Other reasons I am convinced that I am not pregnant? Nausea, which was really very bad last week, has been better. About 50% better, so the "oh my god I'm going to vomit right this minute" bad of last week is more of a low grade queasiness and periodic gagging. I ate two normal meals over the weekend, which I had not been able to do for the previous 4 days. So what does that mean to me? That means that my HCG levels are falling, which means doom.

And my last piece of scientific (I like how I throw that around, as if any of this is really "data-based" and not just the ravings of a woman who has lost all touch with reality) evidence is that my TSH test from yesterday was still in normal range -- 1.85 vs. the 1.2 prior to the pregnancy. Now some might consider that good news -- the syn.throid is keeping things under control. But since the Dr had essentially said "pretty much everyone needs to adjust their medication during pregnancy" the fact that I don't have to means to me that there is nothing special going on that is requiring that my thyroid work hard at all.

Oh, and my cramping seems worse. Still no spotting, and still nothing that even feels like I am getting my period, but just more pinging/ stretching/ weirdness from down there.

(On the positive side, boobs have become sore and remained sore. But that is probably just due to all of the progesterone I am taking. So that doesn't count.)

The u/s is tomorrow afternoon (7w6d). I'm never going to make it. Seriously I have completely lost my mind.

Fear

2010-07-16T15:28:00.004-04:00

I'm terrified.

No good reason -- nothing has changed to lead me to believe that I should feel the shadow of impending doom, but I'm scared. I'm worried that because I told one person that I was pregnant I have doomed everything.

I'm scared that this next u/s will show that the heart has stopped beating. Or if not this one, the one after that. Or that the other myriad tests they run will show something horribly wrong.

And that this will all come crashing down. This little, tiny sand castle of hope that I have built will just get washed away.

I knew how to prepare myself for the heartbreak and sadness of failing IVF. I knew how to hurt and rant and rail and then dust myself off and move ahead. But this? Failure now? I've never been here before and I don't know how to prepare for pain and sadness. So I am terrified.

Keeping the crazies at bay

2010-07-12T12:55:00.005-04:00

In my last post, you will note that I promised not to freak out until a week has passed.

You will all be happy to note I have not yet freaked out and I have presently silenced the drumbeat of failure and destruction that I usually listen to in my head.

I have also managed to spend an entire 4 days with my mom and not tell her anything. Even though I kind of wanted to about 100 times. But we made a joint decision collectively not to tell, and so even though the Boy kept saying things like "are you still dry heaving" to me with my mom there, we didn't tell. (And yeah, it's just that romantic around our house.)

I have, however, developed a new set of symptoms:
- hunger. Hunger like I never knew existed. All the time.
- gagging, carsick feeling. Pretty much all the time as well. It's the worst right after I eat, which is weird, since I thought that eating was supposed to help. But no. I pretty much dry heave after every meal. Yum!
- extra sensitive sense of smell. This is becoming a problem, because it's been REALLY hot in New York and it's definitely pretty stinky around here. And that tends to trigger my gag reflex. So going to work on the subway -- it causes me a good deal of fear and results in my hand being permanently over my mouth and nose. People look at me funny, but I'm pretty sure they prefer that to me puking on their shoes.
- boobs are starting to get sore. Not too bad, but a little bit sore. I hope they get bigger, actually, because, well, I've been holding off on buying new bras since I kept hoping I'd be pregnant, and my old ones are kinda stretched out. (I know, it's pathetic that I've been waiting about a year to buy new bras. I just kept thinking "I'm not going to fit into them soon." and so I waited. Fucking IF even screwed up my lingerie purchases.)

I'd like to try to solve the gagging, dry heaving thing by acquiring some of those pregnancy pops, but even though they are sold at a maternity store right around the corner from my office, I'm fairly convinced that going in there will end this pregnancy immediately. I know it's not rational, but I'm afraid to do anything that even appears to the universe to be taking this for granted. So instead I will gag. (Note - I got anxious just now typing "pregnancy pops" so I don't think I can safely buy them on line either.)

But otherwise? Otherwise I'm still unbelievably grateful for where we are now. It is very theoretical and in no way real, and I'm going to keep it that way until much further down the road because I'm pretty scared about things going awry. But for the time being, I'm still carrying around this sense of wonder and amazement.

Promise

2010-07-07T16:36:00.005-04:00

All is normal. Everything measures as it should for 5w6d.

There is actually a sac in my uterus (as opposed to somewhere else) so that's good.
There was a clearly identified, albeit blurry fetal pole hanging out on one side. It measures 4.55mm, which is exactly what it is supposed to be right now.
We saw the heart flickering away, but my RE said it was a little too early to register an actual heartbeat. But I saw the flicker and that was cool.

Yolk sac? Yeah, I don't remember anything about that. I was just pretty psyched that the amniotic sac wasn't empty, and I lost focus when I saw the flicker.

What I do know is that my RE said that everything right now looks as it should, and that she's not concerned about the spotting episode from earlier this week. She cautioned us that it's early, but said that she was pretty excited for us.

My husband came with me, and it was pretty fun to have him there, although he couldn't see the little bean as well as I could. And since today went well and our next view isn't for 2 more weeks, then he made me promise to not freak out for at least a week. And so I made that promise, because there is nothing I can do that will change things in any way, and all I can do is eat well, stay hydrated, rest and be diligent about my drugs (prenatal, estrace, progesterone, folgard, baby aspirin). Everything else is out of my hands.

Terrifying, but true. Next scan is July 21, so all I can do is hang on until then.

I'm still amazed at this entire thing. Amazed, happy, and really surprised.

And in further news...

2010-07-06T12:42:00.004-04:00

The spotting stopped Sunday. Phew. There were only two bright pink spots and then a bunch of brown, so hopefully it was just an errant progesterone suppository.

I still am light on the symptoms, but here they are:
- acne like a 14 year old (charming)
- compliments on how healthy my hair looks (even from the women who was waxing my eyebrows -- she told me they looked very healthy and luxuriant. It was pretty amusing as she was taking the hair out.) And no hair falling out at all when I brush/ shower.
- crampy pulling feeling from the uterine area.
- constipation. This is not so awesome. I have tried prunes, but since those just caused a prodigious amount of gas when I ate them on vaca (sorry -- TMI) and I am back at work today, I thought I'd hold off. So I am drinking water and eating fruit trying to get things moving.
- gagging/ queasy feelings a couple of times a day
- awful taste in my mouth all the time
- constantly starving, until I feel queasy, and then starving again
- tired. Really tired.
- the thirst. Oh the thirst. All I do is drink and pee.

OK -- that was a longer list than I had expected, but I still think that this whole thing ended already and that tomorrow afternoon I will be shown an empty uterus and told to try again next time. And I can't tell whether I'm making myself nauseated from nerves and over-googling, or whether it is real. Either way, I've given it a 65% chance of being there -- slightly better than even odds, but I'm managing my expectations downwards.

Thank you all for making me feel better about the spotting and cramping, btw. It really helped. Of course it didn't stop me from obsessively googling about this stuff and realizing how many things can go wrong. But it helped me from being a complete wingnut.

26 more hours to find out what's up. This is hard. Still exciting, but hard.

Uh oh.

2010-07-03T22:41:00.005-04:00

Tonight is our lastest night of vacation before we head back into the oppressive heat on the East Coast. It's been good -- really nice -- to be away and even better to be able to relax a wee bit and try to enjoy being happy and grateful for actually getting pregnant for the first time ever.

We still have some trouble buying into the idea that it is not all some elaborate ruse, but considering two labs in two cities in two countries gave us positive confirmation, we are forced to confront the fact that it may not be a hoax.

I'm still feeling pretty much nothing. No sore boobs, no change in how they look at all (I ask every time I get undressed, and still nothing). However the cramping is real and I have to be honest it scares me to death even though I know that many women experience it. But if any of you want to tell me that it's ok, I'm all ears.

Here's the specifics -- sometimes it feels like sharper pains in the front middle area (essentially where my uterus is), more on the right than the left, but its definitely all around. Some low back achiness like when I get my period, which is a newer phenomenon.

Teensy eensy bit of spotting two days ago, which is hard to discern given the amount of progesterone I am shoving up into my nether regions. Just a few minutes ago, some darker pink spotting. And so I am starting to get scared that I am losing this.

I was able to get an u/s appointment for Wednesday 7 June with my RE -- I know it's early to see much (5w6d), but I'd like to know something more than I do already.

Mostly, I'd like to fast forward a whole lot of weeks to be just adorably, roundly pregnant. Because this? This is scary. So any confirmation that I am ok would be awesome.

I heart socialized medicine - Updated

2010-06-29T19:57:00.008-04:00

Sorry for the long absence and delay in posting -- I've been navigating the Canadian health care system, and it hasn't been all that easy.

Although I tested yesterday, results from the lab were not available until this morning. So I walked into the walk-in clinic this morning, before the nurse could look up to say hello, I saw the printout with my name on it.

My beta as of 13dp5dt is... 1326!

Holy shit!

I appear to still be pregnant, and am thankful, relieved, and still in a state of complete disbelief that this appears (for the moment at least) to have actually worked. Maybe it's because for month after month there was just so much defeat and disappointment I am having trouble actually accepting that this is working, but it seems completely theoretical and like it's happening to someone else.

I spoke to my RE's office and the plan is to get an u/s in 1-2 weeks. I'm presently scheduled for next Tuesday, but think I am going to swap to the following week so that we can see my RE. It just seems like such a long time to get no news, after a process where I am monitored every 24-48 hours. 7-14 days? Are they kidding? But I'd rather see my RE, so I think we will hold out. But I'm not sure I can wait. I'll sleep on it before I make a decision to switch (yeah, I know, it's a lot of thinking for a relatively small decision).

So now we are on the far west coast of Vancouver Island with slightly easier internet access than we have had for the last 3 days in Vancouver, so I will try to catch up with reading.

Thank you to all for your wonderful support and comments.

Updated with symptoms, per request :-)

I have very few. Seriously, this is all a great mystery to me, as my boobs hurt more after the trigger shots than they do now.
I do have persistent unslakable thirst (and the corresponding repeated trips to the bathroom from trying to quench it). Otherwise, I got nothin'. (There is some crampiness that feels like ovulation cramping but in the center, but since I only feel it on the days I get the beta numbers, we are convinced it is completely psychosomatic.)

Ummm...

2010-06-25T11:28:00.004-04:00

I appear to be pregnant.

My beta is 254. It's 10dp5dt.

Holy Shit.

We are heading to Vancouver tomorrow and so I'll get a second test on Monday there. Then an u/s when I get home on the 6th or 7th.

Have I mentioned that my husband and I had no expectations that this would work? That I have already gone to orientation for my new clinic? That I ordered the bcps to start on day 2 and have already packed them? This is crazy. It's the first time I've had a beta >5.

The best thing that I have done in a long time is call my husband and say "I'm pregnant." It was awesome. I could hear him smiling.

My heart is beating at 100mph and I can't stop smiling. I know we have a long way to go, and that 1000 things can go wrong, but for now, I am happy. Crazily, stupidly happy.

Good timing

2010-06-23T15:44:00.004-04:00

Email I received today:

"To celebrate the start of summer, parents of the under 12 set will be bringing our kids into the office for part of the morning on Thursday, July 1^st for fun, games, snacks, sing-along with Jill and otherwise barely controlled chaos."

Since about 40 percent of the staff at my organization has kids in that age group, and another 50 percent are young single women under 30 who just loooove babies, this place is going to be a zoo. I will literally be the only person who isn't either accompanying a child or fawning over one.

Thankfully, I will be an entire continent away for all of next week. I feel like I dodged a bullet. Sometimes, the gods smile.

Mrs Crabbypants

2010-06-21T13:28:00.004-04:00

That's me. Turns out that when I am anxious and can't exercise and jamming progesterone up into my nether regions 3x daily I get a wee bit cranky.

What else has been making me cranky?
My dog has been sick, so that's freaked me out a bit. On transfer day (Tuesday) while I was parked on the sofa I noticed that he was straining to stand up, and had some weird facial twitching. He'd been pretty lethargic for a day or so, but we figured it was the heat. And so when I saw his hind legs were weak, I freaked out into a huge, sobbing, hysterical mess. Because if anything were to happen to the dog I'm pretty sure that right now I would die. Because my dog is the object of all of the love and affection that I would focus on a child (although I do NOT dress him in silly outfits), and he is also the best. dog. ever. and makes me incredibly happy.

So dog illness caused a bit of a wrinkle in my "relax at home transfer day," but the Boy took him into the vet the next day and as it turns out he caught Lyme disease when we were up the country roaming through the woods. I learned an important lesson: apply the tick medication every 2-3 weeks if you will be in high tick areas. So note to you dog owners -- the ticks in Connecticut are not messing around.

The peanut (our dog) was better after only a few doses of his antibiotics, and all symptoms have now totally disappeared and he's back to himself, but it was really really scary for us to think about something happening to him, especially at a time when we rely on him so much.

Other reasons for cranky? The Boy has been on my very last nerve. There is no good reason for it, and I suspect that I am just being sensitive and difficult (that's his position, at least), and he has been really quite great about being supportive during this infertility thing, but jeeesus has he been bugging the living daylights out of me. I know he's just being himself, but sometimes "himself" is a pain in the ass.

Since he reads this I'll leave it at that (Note: if you are reading this, if you haven't acquired and taken your vitamins I am going to lose my shit and start forcefeeding you the ones we have like a goose being fattened up for fois gras). So I let the bad mood spread and that was pretty much no fun at all. We've recovered mostly, but I did create a bit of a scene Saturday and yesterday, which leached some of the fun from our weekend.

Otherwise? Otherwise I am just not exercising, not drinking booze, and not feeling anything that could even potentially be a side effect. Not even the progesterone is having a physical effect on me. Emotionally, it's made me a basket case (see above) but physically I feel fine.

We will see how things shake out on Friday. Until then, I'm just pretending that nothing is going on at all. Check back with me Wednesday to see if I've gone crazy yet.

it's done

2010-06-15T13:32:00.000-04:00

We transferred the last (one)of our frozen embryos today.

My first cycle in November 2009 resulted in 3 5day blastocysts. We initially transferred one (because it was of course going to work) and then transferred one frozen in Feb.(Again, did the elective single transfer to avoid twins. We laugh about that now.) This was the last of that batch.

I'm trying so hard to be hopeful, and my sweet lovely husband keeps reminding me that this could possibly work, but I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm trying to let hope sneak in just enough so that the positive thoughts make it down to where it matters in my body, but not so much that I am devastated by the failure. Its pretty much an impossible balance, and I've resigned myself to more pain.

Good thing is, we have a plan in place and are switching clinics and will start again in July. I liked my RE, but need to shake things up a bit. And since we've maxed out on our IF benefit, it's self pay either way. I'm super excited (there is sarcasm there, in case you can't hear it) to start dealing with my savings account being depleted, but am not worrying about that yet, because there is really nothing to do about it except give up, which is not an option.

So today I am resting on the sofa, per my lovely husband's request. He made me lunch and is in charge of dinner. I'll go back to work tomorrow, and then have my next acu appointment (went yesterday, too). But no more gym or yoga. Do any of you exercise in the 2ww? Can you tell me what you do/ don't do? I just want to keep up with my yoga and cardio, but think that's verboten. What do you think about mat pilates? I need positive stories! Please? The exercise is really the only thing that keeps me sane and from blowing up like a balloon, so giving it up is hard.

Its been 1.5 hours and I'm bored with resting already. Getting knocked up is getting to be a drag.

Where I'm not

2010-06-08T18:47:00.001-04:00

If my first IVF cycle had worked, I'd be 28 weeks pregnant by now.

If my FET had worked, I'd be 18 weeks pregnant.

If my second IVF cycle had worked, I'd be 10 weeks pregnant.

Instead, I'm waiting for FET #2 next week so that I can find out 2 weeks later that I am not pregnant again.

I know that I'm torturing myself by looking up due dates and such, but I am just losing hope that this will ever ever work.

Fuck, do I hate this.

My new friend Brenda

2010-06-03T23:42:00.005-04:00

Brenda has become my new bff.

Who is Brenda? Brenda is the manager for my company's account at Cigna, our insurance carrier, and she and I are going to get to the bottom of why my infertility coverage is so fucked up.

The whole thing started bad last year when I was first looking into it. When I called to ask about coverage for specific procedures, the clever operator forwarded me a benefits letter that they had sent to a colleague that indicated that retrieval, transfer and other testing were not covered. Which was surprising because the policy stated that I had $30K of infertility coverage. So why the discrepancy? Apparently the colleague who wanted to get pregnant was a gay man interested in using a surrogate. And while personally I think his course of action should have been covered, too, it shouldn't have taken me 30 minutes on the phone to explain why my situation was a tiny bit different.

So I have $30K of coverage, and since we've done 2 IVF and 1 FET with a preferred provider, we've had mercifully little out of pocket so far, but figured our luck, and coverage, was likely running out.

And so here's where the fun begins. When I asked for the balance in April, I was told I had used $28K. And so I asked for an itemized listing of all of the charges that added up to $28K. That took a week. And then it only added up to $25K, and some of the items on there were clearly not IF related (my annual mammogram? my annual physical? my dermatologist to check on a mole?).

The front line rep (Sandy, the very same one who sent me the incorrect memo 12 months ago) basically said that there was nothing that she could do, but that the system couldn't be wrong because, well, it was "the System" and the codes that it pulled were only IF. When I explained to her that there were clearly some issues with what she sent me, she blamed the physicians for coding it incorrectly.

So then I started talking to her boss, Brenda. And Brenda has been awesome, and basically agrees with me that unless they can itemize the charge, it should not count against my maximum, and she has been unbelievably helpful in pulling off charges that are clearly not IF related, and has allowed me to get new bills for things that appear to have been given the wrong diagnosis code.

But there are some charges, such as all of the blood tests I just took on clotting and the full karyotype that is still at the lab, that I was told by both my RE's office and a cigna rep -- I read the rep every single code -- would not count against the max. These tests actually are IF-related, but I might not have done all of them if I knew they would burn through my increasingly scarce resources. So I'm going to the mat with Brenda on these charges, which are about $1K total. And right now, it looks like I am winning.

It's a fuckload of hassle for only a few thousand dollars, but there is principle involved (I can't imagine how many other women have gotten screwed out of some of their benefit) and it is actually enough to cover this FET and perhaps some monitoring next time, so I guess it's worth it.

But I hate having to lay all of these charge out there and talk about it with Brenda. Because even though she is really nice, and very helpful to my cause of getting the numbers right, she is probably thinking "this woman is a crazy person. she's 40 and trying to get pregnant and yet is arguing with me over pennies -- how pathetic." And so that bugs me. I don't want to be judged, or pitied, or to even have my situation known, and yet I need to go through every line item of this pathetic story with her to get to a point where I think it is fair. Yet none of this is fair. I shouldn't have to do this, or know Brenda, or have my medical history laid out for all to see. It's profoundly unfair, and I am getting to the point where I really resent everyone who isn't or hasn't gone through this. I even resent the women who got pregnant on their first IVF, and then seem to have forgotten all about the infertility that led up to it. I'm just bitter and resentful and angry. But I'm not giving up on my search for justice with Brenda. Because someone, somewhere owes me something and there's only so much getting screwed over that I am willing to take.

A whole lot of nothing

2010-06-01T16:51:00.005-04:00

Not a whole hell of a lot to report from these parts, except that (gasp) I am still not pregnant. Period came and went, and so now I am prepping for our last shot with our frozen embryo.

The Boy and I have spent a lot of time talking about what's next and making plans, since we never thought we would get to this place and still find ourselves somewhat surprised to be on the statistical short end of the stick.

What have we recently learned?
- After putting back in 4 embryos (2 5day and 2 3day), I am still not pregnant, although I did manage to have a very low-beta chemical pregnancy.
- My hormone levels are all still good (my FSH is under 7, for chrissakes)
- My thyroid appears to be working too hard, as my TSH was 4, but all other thyroid and antibody levels normal. With daily synthroid, I'm at 2.1.
- I am heterozygous for the MTHFR mutation (no, I don't know which one), so am now also taking folgard and baby aspirin in addition to my prenatal.
- Despite everything, I continue to have clockwork cycles and ovulate regularly.
- We have blown through our insurance coverage, and will soon be paying out of pocket for everything.

So what are we going to do?
- We are going to switch doctors from the "very convenient, like our RE, like the nurses, takes our insurance, really don't like the clinic overall" to the "across town, very smart very nice RE, great lab, nicer space, more individualized attention, noticed some things in my chart that he would do differently" but can't start right away because their lab closes for a while this month.
- In the interim, we are going to do a non-medicated FET and use our last frozen 5-day blast this month. In fact, it's CD8 and I am all estrogened out (2x daily) and then will go in Friday for a lining check. Transfer date scheduled for June 15. Really looking forward to the 3x daily progesterone suppositories. I should buy stock in whomever makes pantyliners, since I'm keeping them in business. (I hate that word -- panty. It's ridiculous. Makes the whole situation seem like something out of a 1960's era sitcom.) Incidentally, I think it's pretty entertaining that they consider 2x daily estrogen, 3mg cetr.otide, and 3x daily progesterone to be unmedicated. I guess it's the lack of lu.pron that earns it that label?

How do I feel about all of this?
The FET is a throwaway -- I have no hope that it will actually result in a pregnancy or child, but I figure I might as well use the embryo since I already have it. I was kind of hoping to have 2 shots on goal, and be able to try naturally and transfer the embryo back in, but apparently they frown upon that at my current clinic, so this weekend I will be shooting up with cetrotide to prevent ovulation. I think it sort of stinks, but I'll live.

I'm anxious about switching clinics, not because I don't think they will do a good job, but because I know that I will expect it to work the first time there. And that's a lot of pressure on me and on everyone else involved in this process. And, although this is probably weird, I feel bad about leaving my RE, as she has been really quite nice and pretty responsive most of the time. I wanted our relationship to end with me heading off to the OB with a healthy pregnancy, and somehow I feel disloyal for even meeting with other REs. That said, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over, and so need to go with something different. But I feel bad, all the same.

Am I excited about any of this? Hard to say. I'm starting to believe that this never is going to work.

American Idiot

2010-05-26T23:49:00.003-04:00

No, not the Green Day Broadway play. Me. I'm the idiot.

I'm the idiot because I actually, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, thought that I could get miraculously pregnant on our "break month" before we try with IVF again.

When CD28, 29, and 30 rolled around, I actually let hope in. And the bitch fucking took off her shoes, put her feet up and made herself at home. Once again, I googled things like "timing of implantation bleeding" (there was a tiny bit of light pink spotting) and "spotting at time of period." You'd think I had never done this before. What you really would think is that I should just bookmark this stuff on my web browser.

And so, since I am usually a 28-day girl, I went out and I did the unthinkable. I bought pregnancy tests. Expensive ones. Ones without lines but with words that tell you the news. And to no one's surprise but mine, the test said "not pregnant."

The Boy had a pretty good observation (and I promised to give him credit). What the sticks should say is "Yes" or, in our case, "F**k you." I'm not sure how you market those, but I think it's really quite a bit more honest and more appealing for certain segment of the buying public.

And in more great news, immediately after my "f**k you " result, I discovered that we had no hot water and had to suffer through that. Which sucked almost as much. I love camping, but doing the cold shower at home? Not nice at all.

Then I had to spend a day at site visits with my pregnant co-worker and listen to how she was feeling and hear all of the cooing, and discussions of pregnancies, and listen to her whine about how hungry she was.

So overall, a banner day. Oh yeah, and by 3pm my period had officially arrived.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

A little perspective goes a long way

2010-05-20T13:31:00.005-04:00

Since January, I have worked for a large poverty-fighting organization. And we do really great, really important work, but are still somewhat divorced from the in-your-face realities that exist for the poor here in the United States.

But yesterday? Yesterday was different. I went to an organization that provides housing, food, healthcare and job training services to people in NYC. There are a lot of these organizations and they are mostly doing great work, and the people who work there every day deserve all of the credit in the world for sacrificing higher pay for this important work.

Yesterday I actually got the opportunity to sit down and talk with someone who is homeless. Someone who lived on the streets and in the subway stations pretty near where I live in my apartment. He lived on the streets for 15 (yes you read that right) years, and through the outreach from this program was convinced to come indoors and be helped.

He is polite, charming, well-spoken. He graduated high school. He is 55 years old. He has both a serious mental illness and is an active substance abuser. And for the last 15 years of his life he has lived with a suitcase and his wits on the streets of my neighborhood.

Hopefully, through this program he will get stable housing, treatment for his mental health issues and begin treatment for his substance abuse. But what he said was the most important thing was that he is finally, for the first time in a while, regaining a little bit of what it feels like to be human -- to be seen, and not ignored, to be treated with respect, and not discarded with the trash.

I went back to my office, and someone had sent me this presentation. And the combination of this with my meeting really, really, I mean at a visceral gut level, hit me: I am lucky. I have pretty much won the life lottery by being an upper-middle class American. But yet I complain too much. I whine about infertility, about my husband's lack of meaningful work, and about pretty much everything. Instead I should feel grateful -- grateful that I have a wonderful husband and a supportive family. Grateful for my health, for my education, for my income bracket. Grateful that I do not worry where I will sleep or what I will eat or my personal safety.

I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but I am going to try to hold onto it for at least a few days. Because sometimes I need a little perspective on what is really important.

Thank you

2010-05-17T10:09:00.004-04:00

Thanks to you all for your help with both my recent MTHFR diagnosis (is that the right word?) and in supporting me through this bumpy path with my friend-who-could-not-be-more-tone-deaf.

So what have I learned and done since then? I learned that I have only one copy of the MTHFR mutation, although I don't know which part of the gene, so I guess that's better than it could be. And since I am a firm believer in taking my medical care into my own hands, I have basically increased my folic acid, b-6, and b-12 intake to what it would be if I was also taking Folgard with my prenatal. Lastly, I have added a baby aspirin.

I do promise to tell the RE all of this before I start my next cycle (in about a week, unless I am miraculously pregnant this month), but I figured that I could get things started now. As far as I can tell, these vitamins are all water soluble, so there's no real downside risk of taking more.

Other news? I have not heard any more from tone-deaf friend, and I'm thinking she thinks she was super helpful and now I'm just being difficult and "hiding." And it's true, I have hidden out before when things were bad, but I had dinner and brunch with other friends this weekend, and am pretty open about things, so that's not what is going on now. I'm sure she just thinks I can't deal with her blissfully happy life, but in fact I just can't deal with her. Clearly I am still hurt/ angry and so I'm going to have to sit with this for a while more before I'm willing to call her, and I think I may just wait for her to call me.

But it was really really nice to hear from you all that I was not unreasonable in being disappointed at the emails I received, and it makes me feel better knowing that you all do get it. We each are following different paths and are in different places, but understanding the soul- crushing experience of wanting something very badly and not being able to make it happen? You all get it. And while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I'm really happy that you are here.

Otherwise, things are just fine. Had a nice weekend and now am just waiting for my period to come (ugh) so that we can get started again on IVF v.3.0

So far, I'm not sure I love 40....

2010-05-13T20:18:00.003-04:00

I'm 40. It happened Sunday, and overall I feel much the same.

A couple of exciting (read that ironically, please) things have happened since the last post.

First, I got some of the results back from the gallon of blood that they took last week (I had been sent in for a lot of immunological testing and the Boy and I both were sent to get our genetic karyotype). Here's where things stand:

- the fucking nurses (sorry, usually they are quite nice) forgot to check the box for my karyotype, so I have to go back and get more blood drawn. Suffice it to say, I am not amused, as I am intending to start another cycle around the 25th, and these results could be USEFUL and now may not be back in time. AAAArgh.

- I apparently have a MTHFR mutation. Fan.fucking.tastic.

I only spoke to the RE briefly, so didn't get all of the details (which part of the gene, hetero or homozygous), but have emailed her to follow up. But on the upside, my homocysteine levels are normal. She is not concerned about this and just recommended that I up my folic acid to 2mg. She said she'd be more concerned if I had recurrent pregnancy loss, but I seem to fail at the implantation stage, and in her view there is not much to do there.

Views? I know a lot of MTHFR mutated women out there are on regimens of vitamins (folic acid, b6 and b12), baby aspirin, lovenox/heparin or some combination thereof. For implantation issues, should I be discussing any of this with my RE? And does the mutation type matter? Homocysteine levels? Dr Google is annoyingly unhelpful here.

Other reasons that this week has been a bit of a sucky one? Remember that heartfelt email that I sent to my friend hoping that she would "get it" and be a good source of support? Four days later I got back the lamest shit I could have possibly imagined:

Hi there,

Haven’t watched the video yet but promise I will. Just a few quick things about below. Please don’t worry about “negating” my experience. In our society, it is validated every day, deservedly or not. And, if you don’t speak frankly about how you feel, who will know? And how will we know which pep talk to give or not give? I used to fight with my parents when I’d complain to them about something in my world and they’d say “Well, why don’t you do X?” or “Have you thought about trying Y?” Finally I just had a major melt down and said, “You know, I’m not telling you this because I need you to help me fix it. I can do that myself. I’m just telling you this seeking a little empathy. Sometimes, I’d just like to hear “Oh, that must really stink”. Because you belittle me by trying to direct me to solutions that I’m perfectly aware of on my own.” Thus I stopped seeking empathy from my parents because they were incapable of it. Remembering my own experience, I try my best to be attuned to the difference between empathy and problem-solving. Not that I always get it right, but I do try.

OK – now I’m going to watch the video. Toodles –

Xoxo

And so while I am pleased that she feels that she thinks she is empathetic, I'm really getting none of that. And that sucks.

Her follow up email after watching the video?

"The video made me weepy too, and I couldn't help but notice that she had the same bathmat that we got from Target."

Seriously? That is the shit I get back in response to my email? I don't even know where to start I am so hurt/ angry/ shocked/ saddened. I just feel so disappointed in her -- she is completely unable to get it, and I thought I was making it so easy.

I've already decided to cut my losses here and not come back to her with another follow up. But I'm also not calling her any time soon. I guess I should have just left well enough alone, but instead I feel worse than I did when I started: she validated my isolation.

I guess you guys are it. In addition to your views on MTHFR, I could use a reminder that I am not the only one stuck in this circle of hell.

The day before the day

2010-05-08T16:42:00.006-04:00

So tomorrow's my birthday. And mother's day. And the age I will be is 40. And that is crazy, because 40 is old and I'm still very very immature.

So we've been pretty much low key about the whole thing, per my request, and that is all good. And I'm generally feeling better about things, but I'm pretty volatile right now, so that could change in a heartbeat. But I'm trying to be upbeat and at least modestly cheery.

Other things that are good? On CD 12, right after my predictions of doom and failure to ovulate, I got a "2" on the CBEFM. And have stayed there for 3 days, which is good. My body working as it should be has definitely improved my mood.

And on the topic of all things good, I reached out to another friend (B) and sent her the same article that I sent friend A, and she read it and we had a nice enough talk, and so that was generally good. Not great, since her toddler had woken up at 10pm and was having a meltdown in the background and she had to hide in the bathroom, but it was reasonably helpful just to have someone generally validate my feeling shitty.

And then friend A sent me an email which basically said "I think I did something to make you unhappy, and you should tell me if I do because I don't mean to." And weirdly, that email made me stupidly happy. Not so much because she made me unhappy about the squijillion references to her kids, but because she figured out why I bailed on our conversation.

And then I did something I should have done before, which is tell her the truth. And I sent her a long and somewhat rambling email, and while I haven't received anything back (perhaps this time I really DID piss her off??), at least I feel like I pissed off with purpose. By that I mean that my intention this time wasn't to make her unhappy or invalidate her feelings or experiences, but I wasn't embarrassed of how I was feeling and instead unambiguously articulated what I was feeling. And so if she is unhappy about it, I can't do anything because it truly captures how I feel.

And who knows? Maybe she's not offended but just waiting for time to get back to me. All I know is that I feel this huge sense of relief from sending an email that is frank and true to me.

For those of you interested, here's an extract:

OK. You outed me. Apparently you've known me long enough to see right through me.

Mentioning your children 2 times in a 2 line email just was like hitting me over the head with a bat about how different my life is from yours and pretty much everyone else's. And I know that I'm a huge ass for saying that, but it made me feel way more isolated and lonely, not less. So I bailed. Because I'd rather feel *as bad* as I am already feeling, not feel worse.

The thing that I hate the most in the entire world is how this fucks up every relationship I have. It's beyond poisonous and yet consumes about 1000% of my waking hours. Actually, there's a lot else to hate about this, but that's the most germane.

So, in an effort to get out of the cave I am hiding in, I am embarking on a "let's talk frankly about how I feel" campaign.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week (don't get me started about how lame it is to be part of some group that has an awareness week -- the earnestness alone makes me want to puke). And someone sent me a link to a video that someone else made. It's worth watching, and it's not entirely my experience, but it's pretty close. I cried when I watched it, but then I cry all the fucking time nowadays so that's not that notable.

http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-if.html

There's much more to say about this, except I'm supposed to be prepping for a meeting so I have to go. And one other thing -- I adore your kids and so you should know that they are not verboten topics. They are a part of your world right now just like not having kids or being pregnant after trying for 18 months is part of mine. I just thought that was important to say -- I don't need you to negate your experience just to feel like you can help me with mine, but sometimes I just can't bear to hear about it.

Next time I post, I'll be 40. Holy shit.

Going, going... gone

2010-05-05T13:58:00.004-04:00

Yeah, that's me losing my shit.

I don't know really what has precipitated the total and complete meltdown, but it started last night and continued this morning until I was both screaming at my husband for not helping me feel better and sobbing uncontrollably about how big I felt the hole was that was eating away at me.

In case he reads this, let me put this out there publicly -- I was a basket case and completely irrational. And I'm sorry. He's been beyond awesome 99.9% of the time, and so I should really cut him a break when I wake him up to whine.

Back to the meltdown. Let's recap a bit to see what might have caused this:

Sunday is my birthday. I'm turning 40. I refuse to actually believe it's happening, and just get really peevish when my other friends say -- "oh it wasn't that bad." Yeah for you, maybe. Your life is exactly how you thought it would be, and your kids are already 4 and 2. But for me? For me it's the sign of impending disaster, so shut the hell up about how bad it is.

Sunday is also Mother's day. Enough said on this one, but I thought I would leave you with this link to spread a little bit of cheer around the IF community. Because this commercial nearly sent me to bed weeping last night, and very likely was the catalyst for this meltdown today.

What kind of cruel ass joke is it for the infertile girl to have her 40th birthday on Mother's day? I think it's just mean.

I think I pissed off a friend by trying to ask for help (see last post). This is a friend with 2 kids and the one who responded to my email for cheering up with about eleven thousand mentions of her kids in a 2 line email. And then she left two chipper messages, and then I emailed her back saying "I'm doing ok, thanks very much for calling." And I can just tell she's pissed off. And she'll say she doesn't get it and she was trying to help and I will just look like the asshole for essentially blowing off her help. But it makes me feel like crap all the same, because she could try to get it -- googling this stuff wouldn't be that hard, and she might even stumble upon the resolve website and learn something useful. So I not only didn't get the verbal hug I wanted, but I am left with the sinking feeling as if she doesn't care enough to try to understand what is happening with me.

I keep thinking about this, and about thinking about how to get more out of the friendships I have, because I have cultivated these friendships for 20 years, and if they are not so useful now when I need them, well, then what was the point? So I tried another friend, also with kid, and actually sent her this from the resolve site as pre-reading for our call. Because it's really really hard for me to ask for help and not just try to shoulder this all on my own, and so a little but of outside perspective could help.

I hope it works out, or that I am not left feeling worse than I was before. Because I feel pretty bad about how my first attempt to reach out to a friend went, and I don't know if my presently fragile ego can take any more blows.

I'm just so scared that this won't ever work out and that I will be left with this huge aching gap where my heart should be. Right now I am at a place where I don't have the internal resources to know that other parts of my life and my other relationships are valuable and worth cherishing -- I only can see what is missing. So I need people -- people who know me and whose opinions I respect -- to tell me that yes, this experience sucks, but it is not my whole life and will not be my whole life forever. Right now it feels like it will be and that this hurt will swallow up everything else.

Oh, and to top it off, my always-regular body is misbehaving: usually by now I get a "2" on the CBEFM and then get the "3" and the little egg by CD14. Today is CD11 and I've got nothing. Still at a "1" and I'm thinking that this is the month that my body has chosen to not ovulate regularly on it's own. Because why? Because nothing is ever easy. (Yeah, I know it's still very early, but I'm doing my best Cassandra imitation and predicting doom.)

I'm exhausted and my eyes burn from crying and I'm clearly not working. I just want to go home and lie down.

In and out of the closet

2010-04-30T15:53:00.002-04:00

Several of my close friends know that I have been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. But they don't really know what to say, so it's either nothing or not so helpful things like "how's the babymaking going?" (while their toddler is screaming in the background).

But I can't rely on my husband all of the time, and I don't really love the support group I found here (through RESOLVE. More on that another time.)

So I emailed my best friend, my friend who moved away last year because she was pregnant with her second child and their apartment was too small. My friend whose entire life (since she stopped working) is related to her two kids. My friend who was just in town and knew I wasn't drinking b/c she brought wine and I politely demurred, but didn't pry as to where things were in the process.

So I emailed her yesterday and said "hey, are you around? I've had a shitty week and could use some help getting out of my bad mood." Not very IF specific, but since it's the biggest thing going on, you might guess that's what's up.

This is what I got back:
"Of course. I’m hoping that today I will actually get both children to nap at the same time. But tonight I’ll be around and more easily freed of childrens."

Is it bad that I no longer want to talk to this friend about this? I'm trying to find people who I think will "get it" but it's more and more clear to me that really no one does.

I'm just feeling very isolated, and while some of it is self-imposed, I don't know how to bridge the gap with my friends who were lucky enough just to get pregnant and have kids.

I'm willing to hear ideas. What did you do to explain to your non-IF friends how you were feeling?

Where are we going now?

2010-04-26T11:17:00.006-04:00

I like to have a plan. Because having a plan means that there is something that I can do to change things and that means that I can have some control over what is going on. So I have a plan

In fact, let me be more clear: my husband who has been just awesome throughout this whole process, made a plan for me on Wednesday morning (day of test), and since he is pretty thorough, he made a plan for both a positive and negative result. Obviously, since my life generally sucks, we are now executing on the "negative" plan.

Here it is:
- Email RE to ask (a) what she thinks she has learned about my ability to actually have a baby from this 2nd failed cycle; (b) get her impressions on this cycle vs. the last one; and (c) discuss next steps
- Make a second opinion appointment with another RE and arrange to get records for that visit
- Make weekend plans so that I don't just stay in bed and mope.

We've actually made pretty good progress with this plan, and have learned at least some useful stuff:
- RE still doesn't see anything that leads her to believe that I am going to have a hard time getting pregnant. In her view, I'm just falling on the lousy side of the stats, but there is nothing she sees that leads her to believe that there is anything wrong other than the fact that I am old and so the percentage of good eggs I have is lower.
- We are going to run a bunch of bloodtests just in case: genetic karyotype for me and the boy, and then a bunch of immunological tests for me, even though I am not exhibiting any of the indicators that this is a problem (e.g., recurrent miscarriage. I'm more of a recurrent implantation or embryo failure). We will then have more info, and that can't be bad, right?
- I have a 2nd opinion meeting on Wednesday at 8am, and will get my pile of med records tomorrow.
- Boy made a ton of weekend plans, so we were out of town all day Saturday and then Sunday went to a museum for an exhibition preview and then to brunch. And then yesterday pm we had time to nap and then I went for a long-ish walk with the dog in the park, which was lovely. So limited moping time.

I also managed to slice the tip of my thumb off on Wednesday (yeah, banner day, I know) and so have had some dealing to do with that. Again, better than moping. (Ok, maybe not the optimal way to keep from moping, but pretty distracting!)

So yeah, I feel sorry for myself, and yeah, I think that this is all horribly desperately unfair, but we have a plan and are moving forward and my body is moving along just as it always does and I got my period right on time 3 days after stopping the progesterone. And like always I will ovulate on day 14, and get my period on day 29. Because this part of my body is reliable like that.

Next steps? Bloodletting for the tests, try on our own this month, and then another cycle next month unless we learn something surprising from the blood tests.

Sigh. I'm so tired of this. I'm really emotionally and physically beaten down by the whole thing, but somehow having all of these activities to do and interim deadlines to think about make me feel just a little bit better. Honestly, though, I'd rather just have a baby.

This is my 100th post

2010-04-22T11:03:00.006-04:00

This is my 100th post.

I frankly can't believe I've been at it this long, and am certainly not where I thought I would be when I started this blogging project. I thought this would be simple, and that IVF would solve our not-really-that-big-of-a-deal problem in getting pregnant. But I was wrong. I'm not pregnant and I've failed 2 IVF cycles. (Note for those of you who are detail oriented, I did a single embryo transfer for my first IVF and FET, so I count that as one. Because failing 3 cycles? That would be really bad.)

But because I'm apparently too stupid to acknowledge that there is a problem, I was actually trying to arrange it so that the announcement of my positive beta test yesterday would be the 100th post. I mean, wouldn't that have been cute? 1-99 would be getting pregnant and 100-whenever would be all about being pregnant. But it appears that I was a bit overly optimistic about this working. And to be honest, I feel like a bit of a fool for even thinking that way. Actually, I just feel like a bit of an idiot thinking that this was going to work for me at all.

I think that that is why this is so so fucking hard. Because I am (was?) optimistic that IVF will work for us, because it really should based on everything out there. I'm a fool because I let myself get hopeful. And I got hopeful because there is nothing that they can tell us that is wrong with either of us, because I appear to be responding quite well to all of the drugs, and that they think (thought?) that I was in pretty decent shape considering my advanced maternal age. But it appears that, alas, either my embryos all suck and so are not sticking or that something is going on to prevent them from implanting.

So something is clearly not working, and I'm bound and determined to figure out what the hell it is. And so I am distracting myself with activity and my action plan and next steps.

But really my heart is breaking into thousands of little pieces and I am not sure I will ever recover from this disappointment.

And again...

2010-04-21T15:31:00.001-04:00

It's negative.

I feel as if I have been punched in the chest.

My subconscious is out to get me

2010-04-19T10:12:00.003-04:00

I'm clearly very very stressed out about this upcoming beta on Wednesday. Here's why:
a) many of my "symptoms" (e.g., sore boobs, uterine cramping, thirst) have disappeared and so I no longer believe I am pregnant. And frankly, I wasn't even convinced before, but I was willing to pretend. Now I just want to get the damn test over with.
b) I turn 40 in less than a month and I am going to lie in bed for days and cry if I am not pregnant. It is no shit stressing me out.
c) I have been an emotional basket case all weekend, and frankly kind of bitchy.
d) I did another AMH test recently (spurred on by the monitoring appointment from hell) and, whereas my test from a year ago was 1.3, I'm now down to 0.7. So I'm really running out of time and eggs.

So my subconscious is apparently also stressed out, as I had dreams this morning about a variety of ways that I might meet my demise in the next several days. I have to say, I was remarkably creative in the ways I envisioned expiring, but it was stressful all the same. The only one that has a real likelihood of occurring is being run over by a subway (and even that is not all that likely, based on the stats of how many people ride the subway every day and how rarely that happens by accident). But I woke up 2 hours before my alarm covered in sweat and then couldn't fall back asleep, because these dreams were so vivid that I could dwell on them even when awake. So it sucked. And I am tired. And I hate that I spend huge chunks of my life trying to do something that should be easy and that billions of people manage to do every year.

So to summarize, I was terrorized in my sleep by my brain that is predicting doom and disaster, I am turning 40 very soon, I am running low on eggs, and even my hypothetical symptoms of pregnancy have disappeared. Oh yeah, and it's Monday. Woo hoo!

I'm trying. I'm really really trying

2010-04-14T15:29:00.002-04:00

Back to "no really, this could work" today. At least I'm trying to be back there.

Here's really where things are:
- my boobs are sore. So sore that I am tempted to throw a protective arm across them every time I walk, but I think people might look at me funny. Tomorrow I am wearing a sports bra.
- I've been crampy and bloated for the last 3 days. I feel like a macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon and wish there was some way to get the bloat out out out.
- Cramps the first 2 days were kind of sharp and now its more of a low dull ache.
- Thirsty all the time. Followed by having to pee all the time because of the oceans of water I am drinking.
- Moody. But what's new there?

But since all of these symptoms could be attributed to the progesterone I am shoving up into my nether regions, I've really got nothing to go on.

I went to acupuncture yesterday and she said that my pulses were strong and good and that in all of her evaluation of me there is really nothing that leaps out as a potential problem, nor does she think that I need to be taking any herbal supplements or anything -- overall she sees everything good. And the acupuncture helps me relax, so that's great. And it's a block from my office. Yay for things being easy for a change!

But the waiting? This waiting is driving me completely, no-kidding, absolutely crazy. I'm trying to breathe deeply, think positive thoughts and relax, but it. is. hard.

Not so optimistic

2010-04-13T16:48:00.003-04:00

None of the other embryos made it to freeze.
Apparently I make a lot of eggs but they all suck. (Seriously -- who starts with 13 eggs and ends up with a 3 day transfer and nothing left to freeze at 5 days? My attrition rates are astronomical.)

So all this means to me right now is that the ones that were transferred back in probably suck too. I'm hopeful that my mood will recover, but this was a bit of a blow.

Random thoughts on parenting

2010-04-11T23:30:00.004-04:00

I've had a very nice relaxing weekend, with lots of slow walking around in the park in the nice weather, and I've managed to not entirely obsess about this waiting thing. Although I do seem to be a magnet for pregnant people -- we passed three on one block, and even the Boy noticed and remarked how I seemed to be drawing them to me.

Yesterday I was out getting my nails done with a friend who is a doctor and was on call. and she was dealing with how to treat a woman who had chicken pox and was 8 weeks pregnant. Apparently this young woman (and she was <16) didn't know she was pregnant until she got to the hospital for her rash.
Awesome, right? You've missed at least 1 period but you have no idea? And you are in jr high? Sigh.

And then I watched a car pull away from the curb with two little kids not in car seats or wearing seatbelts in the back and a 2-yo in the front seat on the lap of an adult.

And then I was nearly hit by a bicyclist who was crossing against the light and had a 4-5 yo girl sitting between his legs on his seat, and neither was wearing a helmet.

And so here's my point: I would be better. I wouldn't let my kids be unsafe that way and my children would be intentional and not just an unwelcome surprise.

Maybe this doesn't make me any more deserving to get pregnant, and maybe thinking about who deserves and doesn't deserve to have a child is a totally fucked up thing to do and completely counterproductive. But the whole thing bugs me all the same.

Resetting expectations

2010-04-10T13:18:00.003-04:00

So apparently I posted about a word and a half yesterday. Oops.

I think it was probably because I was still kind of freaked out about the morning, and so I kept starting things and then getting distracted and moving on to something else. But I'm past that now and ok (mostly). Not quite the bright eyed and bushy tailed girl from Wednesday, but mostly ok.

So why freaked out? Freaked out because I had a plan in my head and had set expectations in a particular way, and then things didn't go exactly that way. And well, I freaked out.

Last IVF cycle (the 1st one in Nov/ Dec 2009) we got tentatively scheduled for a 3 day transfer and then that morning got a call waving us off to 5 days. And we were all sorts of excited about 5 days because we told ourselves that made our embryos bigger and stronger and more likely to be healthy enough to make a baby. So this time I just assumed that the same thing would happen, especially since we had a better fertilization rate.

(Notice the pattern here? I'm searching like hell for anything that will help me predict the outcome of the next step, and each time I do that I get completely screwed over. Also note that if that logic had been correct I wouldn't be doing another IVF cycle. I'd be 5 months pregnant.)

And so I had actually booked two client meetings, one of which was actually in a totally different part of the city and at the exact same time as the transfer (11.00am). Awesome, right? So at 5.30 am I popped awake to get ready for them to call us. And I waited and waited and waited, and there was no call. And the nurses aren't available until 10am, so I basically had to wait until 10 for someone to confirm that we should come in at 11, and not wait until Sunday.

During this entire time, of course, I'm panicking. I'm panicking about how I'm going to be in two places at one time. I'm panicking about why I'm not doing a 5 day transfer and what is going on with the embryos, and I'm panicking just because I sometimes just work myself up that way.

At 10am I call and get confirmation that I should be in by 10.45 for the transfer. And at 10.15 I get a call from my 11am meeting saying that he needs to reschedule to the afternoon and can actually meet in my office as opposed to his office which is 40 minutes away. So I catch a break. A big, freaking break, because someone has travelled in from Chicago to meet with me, and blowing it off looks really really bad. And so I exhale.

OK, I half exhale because I'm still panicking about why 3 days. And so we go in and here's what we learn: of our 9 embryos there are
2 that are at 2 cells so are probably not so great
2 at 4 cells, also probably not so great
1 at 6 cells that looks good/ excellent
2 at 8 cells that look average
2 at 8 cells that look good/ excellent.

Our clinic tends to push off women to 5 days if they have at least 6 average to excellent embryos still cooking, and last time we had 7 at this point.

So I breathe a little more deeply because it's not like they all died off (of course, my fear), but because 5<6.

And so we transferred 2. The good/ excellent ones. And they are letting the rest cook until Monday (their lab freezes on Day 6) and will call Tuesday and let me know if any of the other ones made it to blast, and if they were good enough to freeze.

By the end of this process I was both exhausted and relieved. I totally caught a break on my meeting rescheduling (seriously, that was crazy good luck and I can't believe I skated on that one) and I managed to completely quiet my brain down for the rest of the day. I conveniently had my "pre-transfer" acupuncture session scheduled for last evening, so it became my post transfer session, which was good and very calming. And then I retired to the sofa, watched a movie, read a magazine and ate a cupcake for dessert.

So that's that. And I'm cooking two embryos right now, and hanging around not doing much today so that they can settle in. And thinking positive thoughts about how plenty of people get successfully pregnant with 3 day transfers and how this is still all. going. to. work. out. And today I feel pretty hopeful about things again, and am just stacking the next two weeks with "things to keep me from going batty."

We will see how that works.

IVF #2 -- Fertilization report

2010-04-07T15:23:00.004-04:00

Quick update, since I just got the call from the nice nurse at the RE. They did ICSI on the 13 eggs and 9 fertilized!

Nine!

Nine makes me happy!

(Note last time they retrieved 18, fertilized 17 and only 10 took so this is already a far lower attrition rate.)

Oh please please please let this all work out.

I have been trying so hard to keep a positive attitude and to not get all depressed that I have to be doing this at all, and I've been trying to remain super hopeful about the possibility of this working. It hasn't been entirely easy, and there are times that I was really close to slipping into the grip of the self-pity that I often feel around things baby-related. But I've been pretty much pollyanna this whole cycle -- so much so that a friend complimented me on what a great attitude I had (and told me that I could drop the act if it was that). But it wasn't -- I am hopeful.

But I am also scared. I'm terrified that I've actually convinced myself that this will definitively work, and that when (oh please no) it doesn't I will sink into a very very black place.

But for now hope feels good. Good like the bright sun felt on my shoulders at lunch, and good like the vanilla milkshake I had last night. And good like the pink hyacinth in my office that is all perfume-y and wonderful. So I am tempting the fates and continuing to be hopeful.

IVF #2 - retrieval

2010-04-06T13:35:00.000-04:00

Rerieval was this morning.

13 eggs retrieved, so we will see what happens tomorrow.

Incdentally, E2 (and E2 per follicle) was higher on Sunday than last cycle. (1400 this round vs 1100 with 17 follicles). I'm not sure it matters, but it makes me happy.

I'm feeling pretty good, and am about to take a nap. Yummm.. Napping....

Cycle update

2010-04-02T10:23:00.003-04:00

So today is day 10 of the medication and this morning I went in for another look around. Here's where we are:

Left: 7 follicles, largest at 17.5mm
Right: 6 follicles, largest at 16mm

Estrogen was 580 on Wednesday; he expects it to be over 1000 today. Last time my E2 was super low throughout, and was only 1100 when 17 follicles were there. So who knows. My attempts to really understand this are failing, so I am just going to go with it.

Back in on Sunday, with a trigger likely that evening. I'm trying to drink a ton of water, as I am getting to be pretty uncomfortable. But I am not complaining, as that just means this is working.

I'm feeling positive and hopeful. The weather is gorgeous, and I am going to take lots of long walks this weekend.

Please, universe, don't toy with me.

Kids day at the office

2010-04-01T16:02:00.004-04:00

Apparently today is "bring your adorable 3yo to work day" and I missed the message. There have been (and still are) 4 kids just wandering through today, and frankly I have had enough.

Other exciting work-related fertility quotes from today?
- From the 45yo mother of one of the kids "yeah -- I thought it might be hard for me to get pregnant at 42, but it happened, like, instantly."
- From a woman whose 45yo sister is pregnant with her 4th child "My brother-in-law didn't really want another kid, and thought there was little chance his 44yo wife would actually get pregnant. I guess she just really really wanted this baby."
- From the father of one of the kids here today (in response) "My wife was 38 with our first and 40 with our second -- I just needed to look at her and she got pregnant. You hear about these people trying and trying -- I just can't relate at all."

I'm swollen and bruised from the shots, and I hate that it is not just as easy for me.
But still.
I am swollen because this is working. and it will work. and one day it will be me with the kid in the office. But I will be sensitive and not parade them through, because there may be someone here whose heart is breaking because it is not so easy for them either.

I am breathing deeply so as to retain that sense of calm and peace from yesterday. It's mostly working but I wish the kids would go away.

Breathe in, breathe out

2010-03-31T08:57:00.005-04:00

My new acupuncturist told me to do deep breathing exercises every day for 5-10 minutes. And so I tried it last night, just focusing on breathing. I do this with yoga, but I'm also moving around (I'm a vinyasa/ ashtanga yoga person), but just sitting, focusing on nothing but deep breathing is hard. She suggests that it will help improve my somewhat sluggish circulation and get my energy flowing again, so I'm willing to try it. Plus, relaxing can't ever be bad, right?

I think that I will be a bit more able to breathe deeply today because my monitoring appointment was just so. much. better. Not only did I get the really nice RE who always gives me a pep talk, has rational explanations for things, and is willing to say "I don't know" instead of making up some half-assed answer, but I now have 9 (NINE) follicles of at least 10mm (largest is 14mm) and some smaller ones showing up as well.

(Take THAT you mean nasty RE who told me my ovarian reserve was empty and that I might considering cancelling this cycle.)

My husband attributes the good appointment to the fact that I made him come with me at 7.15 this morning. Retrospectively, it was really kind of ridiculous, but I needed a security blanket and a shoulder to weep on if the follicle count still was very low. So he hung out in the waiting room for me and was there to give me a hug as I got on the subway. It seems like a small thing, but it was great, and made me feel like it was all going to be ok, regardless of what happened with the ultrasound. It's weird -- I'm usually not this fragile, but I think this is harder on me than I sometimes admit. And I love my husband for not telling me I'm being silly, but for just getting up and coming with me for no other reason than to hold my hand.

And since I have a bit more perspective (read: I'm not freaking out about hearing the death knell of my fertility) than I did Monday, here's what I know:
- I know that I am lucky that all my numbers are still good and I am still responding so well to the drugs, considering I am almost 40
- I know that I am lucky that there is nothing obviously wrong that needs to be addressed
- I know that I am lucky that I have insurance that covers absolutely everything, including acupuncture
- I know that I am lucky that I live within a stone's throw of some of the best REs in the country
- And in the big picture, lest I forget, I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband who will pick me up and dust me off when I am knocked down, I am lucky to have a family that loves and supports me, I am lucky that we are all healthy, well-educated, and have a lot more resources than many others.

So today I am going to feel relieved, happy, and grateful. Grateful that my life is, on balance, really good, and grateful that doing this ivf cycle is as easy as it is. And to ensure that I hold onto the sense of balance and peace that I am feeling right this very minute, I'm going to try to breathe.

Calmed down

2010-03-30T14:20:00.002-04:00

OK. So I overreacted and was a bit hysterical. And I admit that. Because 3 today is still more than zero, and if there is any correlation to last cycle, I just start slow and then ramp up.

And I am responding, so that's good: E2 was 260.

It's just weird -- last time there were many more follicles (9) and E2 was 170. I think I just don't like it because I don't know what to expect, and every time I think I understand something and know what to expect, I get thrown a curveball.

And I, who like to control everything in the world around me, don't hit curveballs all that well. In fact, I'm more likely to end up with a black eye from not even seeing it coming.

I also think I freaked out because of the whole thyroid thing. But my full results came back today (in advance of my appointment with the specialist tomorrow) and everything -- seriously everything -- is really normal, and not even near the edges of the ranges. Free T4, Free T3, antibodies, T3 uptake -- I'm a picture of perfect health in this regard, and I don't have any of the clinical manifestations of hypothyroidism, and I generally feel just fine. So it's only this TSH that's off kilter, and hopefully tomorrow I will hear good news about the effect on my fertility (or lack of effect, actually).

So I've un-freaked out for the last 12 hours or so, and am trying to stay very positive and will think "oh you just stimulate slowly -- there will be more" or "really, you just need one" or "there were 12 antral follicles, you have a lot to work with" or (my current fave) "this RE was new and sucked at finding the follicles and counting." I'm pretty much thinking that all of these are possibly true, so I'm not going to freak out today.

Tomorrow? Totally a different question. I might freak out tomorrow. But today I will not.

More to come tomorrow after monitoring

Running out of time?

2010-03-29T12:16:00.004-04:00

Today I went in for my first monitoring appt this cycle. There are 3 follicles, each at about 10mm.

Three.

Three is bad.

Last time after 5 days of stimulation there were 9, and I was anxious that it was so low, but then ended up with a whole bunch at the end (18 were retrieved).

Three is even worse because my RE upped my drugs this time to try to get me "up the curve" faster instead of all at the end. But apparently that is just not working. In fact, it appears to be having the exact opposite effect, which means I am panicking.

My RE is out of town this week, and so I saw another one this morning. Here's her comments:
"Hmm, this is very different than last time"
"This is quite disappointing"
"How old are you, again?"
"Well, your AMH levels look good, but this test is from 6 months ago."

When pressed as to why there would be such a difference, I get: "You know, I've had 2 patients in the last 6 months who were showing great ovarian reserve levels and had good response, and then just a few months later, their ovarian reserve just fell off a cliff, and they really didn't respond to the stimulation drugs anymore. Do you want to check on yours again? That test will be back in 3 weeks."

I told her that wasn't exactly reassuring. She didn't appear to be interested.

So in the absence of reassurance, I'm fucking panicking. I feel as if I've been punched in the chest and I can't catch my breath. I feel as if I am watching everything I wanted just turn to shit in front of my eyes.

And yeah, I know I'm being melodramatic, but I'm scared as hell that I've missed my window to make this work.

If it's not one thing, it's another

2010-03-26T09:43:00.005-04:00

Today is day 3 of stim shots (cd4) and I'm wondering if this is all a big fat waste o' time.

Two days ago I went in to get started on this cycle and did the ritual early morning bloodletting. And because it has just been niggling me in the back of my mind that maybe my thyroid is out of whack, I asked them to run a thyroid test on my blood as well. And they did. And my TSH is 4. FOUR. That is still within some definitions of normal, but it's definitively higher than the 0.3-3.0 range that is recommended by many endocrinologists, and some recommend a range of 1-2 if you are trying to get pregnant.

So I freaked out post the RE's call. And made an appointment with the thyroid expert she recommended for this coming Wednesday, and then after work I took a look at previous blood test results. And right there were my results from my primary care provider showing that my TSH was 2.2 in January. And earlier tests from my RE have it at 3.5. So I don't know what to think or what I should do.

I went in for yet another blood draw yesterday and will have those results Monday, and I guess I can't really do anything until I bring those results to the thyroid endocrinologist on Wednesday. Except now I am wondering if this cycle is just a profound waste of time. I can't seem to find much research on this, except that hypothyroidism does cause recurrent miscarriage. So maybe I'm fine making the embryos and just freezing them if there is a thyroid issue? I seriously have no idea. All I know is that I am totally, utterly freaking out.

I don't even know why I asked them to run this test; my sister has severe hypothyroidism and I have had some variability in thyroid function in the past (borderline hyperthyroid in my youth, and borderline hypothyroid a year or so ago). I guess I'm glad I did, but seriously, I wish I knew more about what to do.

Do any of you have experience in this area and have ideas? I just don't know what to do....

Sheer force of will

2010-03-24T11:29:00.002-04:00

Amazingly enough, merely by focusing all of my energy on willing my period to arrive, it did yesterday afternoon. And so, unless I hear back from the RE that something was wrong with the bloodwork from this morning, it looks like everything is good to go and I will begin shots tonight.

For those of you interested in the details, I starting with 300 IU Gon.al-F and 75 IU Men.opur. Last time I did 225 IU of the G-F, and it took a while for things to get rolling (ended up with 18 eggs, but had only 5-6 on day 6, and my E2 was lower than expected throughout), so we are going to try a more aggressive start and then coast a bit more at the finish.

I'm irrationally excited to get going. It's so much better than sitting around not doing anything. I'm just trying to eke out whatever sense of control I can over this whole process, and if control means mixing hormones and taking shots, well then so be it.

The one thing I am not excited about is stopping working out and my yoga classes. I know that seems odd, since I do a fair bit of whining about getting to the gym, but it's hard to build a base of cardio fitness and some actual strength only to have to stop all of that when my ovaries swell to the size of grapefruits. Also, the working out keeps me sane -- its just one of the things that I do to focus on something other than not being pregnant.

So since I'm now looking at basically a 3+ week time out, since I'm not supposed to do too much while waiting for the results, I'd love any good suggestions of things you do to keep fit/ keep sane while doing a cycle.

Guess what? I'm waiting.

2010-03-23T10:37:00.002-04:00

I feel like trying to have a baby is one huge cosmic effort to teach me patience. It's like some children's fable where the girl who always wants things now Now NOW has to wait in some uncomfortable way to teach her a lesson that what she really wants is better if she patiently waits for it. (Alternatively, if this is an Andersen fairy tale, she gets cooked up and eaten by a witch because she was impatient.)

So yeah, I'm learning to wait, and yeah, I haven't died yet from the waiting, although I swear there have been a couple of times when I thought my head might literally explode. And I repeat things to myself like "it's only another week" or "what difference does a month make" or "in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks isn't that much time." But really, I am seething under the surface, mentally trying to will this process forward.

Because it's all well and good for me to be a model of patience and forbearance, but it sucks mightily to watch every single other woman on the entire planet just go out and get knocked up exactly when she wants to and then enjoy life with the children she had no trouble creating. Why am I the only one who has to be patient, for fuck's sake? (Sorry, I'm working myself up.) I know I know I'm not the only one, but that is just how it seems to me, and it just feels shitty. And unfair. Really fucking unfair.

What am I waiting for this time? Since I stopped the bcps Thursday, I am now directing all of my energies towards willing my period to arrive. All indications are that it should be here some time real soon, and once it does come, I'm on the express train towards another ER. So please please please body -- hurry along already! I'm seriously going mad waiting for this cycle to get started.

Un-birthday cake

2010-03-18T22:41:00.004-04:00

So I haven't been blogging all that much recently, and I think that's generally ok, because frankly there just isn't a whole hell of a lot going on with me, infertility wise.

Today was my lastest bcp and so now I'm waiting for the cycle to start again so that I can begin injectables.... I'm relatively sanguine about this whole thing, because this time we are not going to do a single embryo transfer, and since I've rationalized in my head that was the cause of the failure of my first IVF and FET, well -- this one clearly is going to work. Note to all of you paying attention: 1+1=2. So even if I had put those same two embryos back in at the same time, it's pretty damned likely that it would not have worked that way either. But I'm irrational about this and need to believe that this cycle is just the magic one.

Plus, I can't possibly reach 40 and not be pregnant, right? Please? Seriously, whoever out there is listening, I'm turning 40 at the beginning of May and I'm really worried that I am going to become totally unhinged as the day approaches if this cycle doesn't work.

I mean, I'm already 3/4 of the way to crazy most days -- if this goes bad and I turn 40 all at the same time? I suspect I'll need a padded room.

To ensure that I am fat (as well as crazy and still barren) on my 40th birthday, I have hidden away in my bag a piece of cake that I acquired on the way home from, well, from the gym actually. I'm kind of debating waiting on eating it until tomorrow, but what I'm really thinking is that a piece of cake and a glass of milk would be a perfect accompaniment to the Daily Show in 10 minutes. So cake it is. If only I could eat my way to a positive pregnancy test.

All's well with the nest

2010-03-15T14:25:00.003-04:00

I had my very first saline sonogram on Friday to check out my insides. Turns out it isn't the most comfortable I've ever been although my RE did warn me that the saline was going to cause cramping.

Frankly, this was a lot less comfortable than the HSG, although everyone says that one is worse. My view: saline sonogram = bad, HSG = ok.

Initially, for those of you interested, it looked as if my entire uterine cavity was filled with some sort of mass, but with another pain-inducing squirt of saline it was gone and my insides were as clean as a whistle and looking just perfect. I understand that that second squirt saved me some unnecessary surgery, but it certainly didn't feel very good.

So while that's all good, I'm left thinking: if everything is checking out perfectly, then why aren't I pregnant/ a mother yet? I know that "unexplained" IF is often the diagnosis, but part of me really would like to be able to identify (read: blame) some cause or another. The "well, it's kind of a mystery" is really highly unsatisfactory.

So in my search to find a cause for all of this IF crap, I asked my RE about some of the tissue biopsy testing/ clotting issues. While she is certainly willing to run all of the bloodwork now, in her view there is nothing clinically pointing in that direction, as it's not like I am getting pregnant and then repeatedly miscarrying. So I am thinking I should let that rest until after this cycle.

I am, however, going to ask her to run a full thyroid panel, since I have had borderline thyroid function issues in the past. It just makes sense to me to be sure.

I'm really out of ideas of how to answer this "what's behind the IF" question, and am thinking that continuing to try is not really all that helpful. But it really would be more helpful to me than to just have generalized, unexplained IF.

Sigh.

Once more, this time with feeling

2010-03-06T09:36:00.003-05:00

Since I am not pregnant, I now have my period. And since I have my period, guess what that means? It means I get to start another stimulation cycle in 2 weeks after I shut my system down with bcps for a while.

So, I guess, yippee?

I guess I'm enthusiastic about this cycle, since it means that there is still forward progress, but it's somehow less exciting the second time around. Maybe it's just that the novelty has worn off. But novelty or not, I have a big box of drugs in my closet, and went in for my day 2 vagicam and bloodwork today. So 2 weeks of bcps start now, and then hopefully I will be able to muster up the appropriate enthusiasm to not mind the shots so much.

I wish I felt something more than "meh" about this process right now. I just feel kind of let down by the magic of ART and my hopes for an insta-solution to our infertility woes have not been really fulfilled. I guess that was never realistic, but it sure would have been nice.

Really great pinot noir

2010-03-01T22:39:00.004-05:00

Was had tonight. By me. And DH, but who really cares about that? And I drank a lot and am typing feeling somewhat woozy because guess what? I am not pregnant! Again! Awesome!

I have to say, even though I kept a little eensy glimmer of hope alive, still religiously took my meds, and avoided booze, rigorous exercise and hot tub/ sauna, I never really thought that my meager HCG number from Thursday would turn into anything viable. So I am not crushed, which I guess is good.

I'm actually trying to think about this as a positive trajectory:

- 1st transfer of 1 embryo -- negative

- 2nd transfer of 1 embryo -- low positive

- 3rd transfer of 2 embryos (we are going to keep the last frozen one on ice and do another fresh cycle) -- maybe a real positive?

I'm so doing all I can to keep my spirits up -- just getting ready for the next cycle and waiting for my period. But let's be clear, what I really want to do is to curl up into the fetal position and begin to cry.

Seriously?

2010-02-25T14:25:00.003-05:00

I got my beta number today. The negative cutoff line for my RE is 5. Mine is 5.4 at 8dp5dt.

The RE's view is that we are testing a day earlier than she normally would since I am going out of town tomorrow and that it could continue to go up, in which case we just have a late implanter or something, and so I am keeping on with the estrogen and progesterone.

So I guess there is still hope, which I find sort of confusing, because I had just gotten used to this having failed. Seriously -- what's going ON in there?

Now, part of my brain thinks I should be all kinds of excited because this means there is still a chance that it will work. That part is small but persistent, and won't let me just ignore it.

The bigger part of my brain thinks:
- this is clearly not a viable pregnancy
- why am I being tortured with false hope - isn't a negative bad enough?
- this is just delaying forward progress
- this is totally fucking up my weekend away.

Now, the last one seems like it might be a small deal, but it's actually a big deal and here's why:
this weekend 10 of my friends from college are convening from the far corners of the country and are going away to a "destination spa" to celebrate our collective 40th birthdays. And I love spa stuff. But now not only do I have to forgo fun things like drinking, hot tubs, saunas, but I am going to have to deal with everyone murmuring about it "why isn't she drinking? is she pregnant? What's going on with the two of them anyway -- don't they want kids?"

Please bear in mind I'd definitely live with all of this to be pregnant and have a real shot to have a real, live baby at the end of this, but this part of my brain just thinks I am being toyed with.

I was already kind of terrified of this trip: 1 woman is 7 months pregnant, 8 women have already kids (4mo-7yo), 1 isn't married, and 1 has just failed her 10th ivf cycle. So I'm kind of worried that this is just going to be a "let's compare stories of motherhood" weekend. But I was prepared to deal with it by hiding in the gym/ sauna/etc with the other two childless women. But now? Now my plan is foiled and I have this added complication of fuelling rumors among my friends.

Am I stupid to have this little glimmer of hope? Because I fear that I am just going to get hurt more.

AAAARGH. Why can't I just get pregnant like everyone else???

There's a first time for everything

2010-02-24T09:32:00.004-05:00

I'm not pregnant. The Boy doesn't even know yet, since he was still sleeping when I left this morning.

How do I know? Because last night, as I was walking through freezing pouring rain, I took shelter in a drugstore and, while there, bought my very first ever box of HPTs. I even bought the branded version. And since I bought them, I figured, why not use them?

So when I got home last night I tested. Negative. And while that empty space where a line should be felt like it was growing so large that I would be swallowed up inside of it, I went to sleep by rationalizing that it was still early and I'd get a more accurate result this morning.

And so this morning I tested again. More accurately, I tested at 4.24am when I woke up to go to the bathroom. And it was still negative. And so those wonderful rationalizations that I built up last evening just fell away like so much dust. The empty space where I was hoping beyond hope that a second line would be? It just screams "barren" to me. Because that's how I feel right now: like a fucking empty, barren wasteland. And lucky for me, I had 2 hours of lying in bed staring at the ceiling to think about how broken and fucked up I am, and how I clearly made wrong decisions that have led me to this point of trying to have my first child when I am almost 40, and just resenting the hell out of everyone who has this come naturally.

Because my mind is totally cluttered today, even though I know for certain that this had not worked, I am still taking the estrogen and progesterone. I know it is stupid and futile, but I'm just afraid of fucking something up, and so will take my medicine until told otherwise because I can deal with this not working, but I couldn't deal with it not working because I decided to just stop everything. Rational? No. But I'm not exactly in a really rational place right now.

Where I am is sad, and increasingly desperate as I approach my 40th birthday, and angry that I have to deal with this shit, and losing hope that this is going to work for us. I know that some of these are irrational feelings -- I mean, we only put back one embryo each time, and this is our very first cycle, and we still have one on ice. But I wanted us and our luck to be better than the statistics and have it work without a whole lot more emotional suffering. But that's clearly not my lot. More suffering clearly lies ahead, and today is just going to be a long struggle not to cry.

Status

2010-02-22T23:35:00.005-05:00

Hey -- Even though I have sucked beyond suckiness about writing recently, I just got inspired and thought I'd fill you all in on what's going on. Or rather, what's not going on.

So let's recap -- after a negative to IVF v.1.0 right before Christmas, we started the process for FET v.1.1. And we transferred one lovely, beginning-to-hatch blastocyst on 17 Feb.

Why one when we had 2? I can handle a negative more than I can handle my husband hearing that we are pregnant with twins. Plus, this is so much fun, I'd like to do it again.

Anyway, here I am almost at 6dp5dt and I am starting to freak out a bit. I really don't know what to think -- I want so much to be hopeful and to think that this is really the one that worked, but at the same time I know that the more hopeful I am, the harder I will be hit by a negative. I'm going in early for my beta on Thursday (8dp5dt), so I'll know something. I'm going in early b/c Friday I am going away for a long weekend, and I would seriously lose my shit if I didn't even have some indication of whether this worked until Monday.

My symptoms are essentially nonexistent. Last time my boobs were hurting like crazy, but I had a lot of hormones in my body from the trigger and the 17 eggs I produced. This time, even though I am jamming progesterone up into my nether regions 3x daily, they (that would be the boobs) don't hurt at all. So no symptoms at all, unless you count some low-grade GI weirdness, but I think that just might be nerves.

But the fact that I don't feel physically anything isn't making this emotionally any easier. I just made plans to go visit my family (Mom and 94 year old grandfather) in late-March. What I want more than anything else is to be able to tell them that I am pregnant. Please please please let the little seed be doing something that will help it grow. Please please please.